Boredom from a Gay Perspective
By
Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.
Gay people are naturally
creative and industrious. They are often a small percentage of any population
and yet their societal contribution is enormous. I take a great deal of pride
knowing not only gays, but also our courageous lesbians, transgenders, bisexuals,
and queer members of our community have always stood up for causes that make
this world a better place. This short article mostly focuses on gay men and the
issue of boredom. Many points being made here do apply to lesbians,
transgenders, bisexuals, and queers as well.
Despite growing up gay in a
homophobic world which can discourage artistic expression, gay people’s
creative spirit continues to shine. Given their rich imagination, the
experience of chronic boredom and a sense of inertia is contrary to a gay
person’s true essence. Whether boredom is momentary or a long lasting
experience, it stops people from living a full life. In order to deal with
boredom, it is important to understand and learn how to transform it. Examining
and understanding your emotions is an opportunity for personal growth. One of
the places to examine your emotions as a pathway toward knowing yourself is in
a therapeutic setting with a licensed psychotherapist. Working with emotions
can be intense, and you need a trained professional to help you navigate
through the sea of emotions. In my work as a psychotherapist (licensed MFT), I
work collaboratively with my clients. I explore their somatic experiences,
feelings, and thoughts in order to support them on their journey of
self-discovery to alleviate their boredom.
What is boredom? From a psychological
perspective boredom is an emotion, and like any emotion, it can carry important
information and messages about your current needs and sometimes unmet needs
from the past. It can also reveal something about your current state of mind
which becomes an opportunity for deeper analysis. People who are bored often
experience life as monotonous. Sometimes boredom can accompany another emotion
such as frustration or a feeling of emptiness. When a person gets overwhelmed
by ongoing feelings of boredom he can asks himself, “What is boredom trying to
reveal to me about my relationship to my psyche, my soul, and the world around
me?” or “How can boredom become an opportunity to add meaning and purpose to my
life?” The answers to these questions require personal reflection which can
become a doorway to a deeper connection to oneself.
An important approach toward understanding
boredom needs to involve evaluating your relationship to your sense of
curiosity. Curiosity is an emotion that plays a vital role in motivating you to
show interest in yourself and the world around you. When fully in effect,
curiosity can neutralize your sense of boredom and help you to passionately
engage with the mystery of life. When curiosity is embraced, boredom
disappears.
When you show curiosity toward
your experience of boredom, you are less dominated by it. In general, becoming curiously
conscious of your emotions help you to be less controlled by them. By becoming
aware of any particular feelings in the moment, you can choose to either embrace
the emotion and fully experience it or let it go. “Empathic witnessing” of an
emotion such as boredom in the moment without judgment gives you more choices on
how to deal with your emotions.
Sometimes boredom, like a
habit, stays with people and it takes willpower to try to change it. Your
willpower can be used as a determination muscle to focus on making positive
changes in your inner and outer life. You can use your willpower to direct your
attention away from boredom and use your curiosity to explore uplifting
experiences. For example, when feeling bored you can make an effort to get out
of your “comfort zone” and explore healthy activities that you never tried
before. Eventually, being curious becomes a personal habit that replaces
boredom and enriches your life.
It is important to note that embracing
curiosity might be challenging for many gay people because of a homophobic
upbringing. Many gay individuals as a
youngster felt too ashamed to show curiosity toward their homoerotic feelings
which caused them to find curiosity too threatening to embrace. The habit of
embracing curiosity needs to take place at a young age with support of caring
adults. The absence of such support makes curiosity less accessible and
difficult to embrace.
As you engage with your boredom through your
curiosity, you can notice where in your body you sense your boredom. Locating
bodily sensations that correspond to how you feel in the moment is another
important way of managing your emotions. I often hear clients
share with me about experiencing boredom as a sense of dread and emptiness in
their chest area. Individuals that I work with in a therapeutic setting often
find it helpful when I invite them to curiously scan their bodies and look for
sensations of strength. Focusing on a sensation of strength anywhere in their
bodies which might include places like the upper arms or legs can lessen their
sense of inertia. For others who can’t notice any sensation of strength, they might
benefit from making a pleasant or neutral sensation as their focus. For example,
neutral or pleasant sensations can be experienced by inviting clients to notice
the support of their upper back against the couch. In general, tracking the neutral
or pleasant sensations in your body can add harmony and balance to your inner
world.
Your curiosity can also be directed
toward examining your thinking patterns and belief system. You might discover a
link between your beliefs, thoughts and boredom. Many gay people were raised to
believe that they were sinners for their same sex attraction. As such, they have developed a belief system that
does not leave much room for feeling deserving of happiness. Thought patterns
based on such a negative core belief system can lead to a life void of joy and
pleasure. By using the muscle of determination with an attitude of empathy and
kindness, we all can change our negative beliefs and thinking. By developing a
belief system based on love and acceptance of ourselves, we can feel deserving
of joy and vitality instead of boredom and inertia.
From a spiritual perspective,
chronic boredom might reveal a lack of relationship to one’s soul and the soul
of the world (Anima Mundi). Given that gay history has been often intertwined
with shamanism and mysticism, getting bored and living a dull life reveals
disconnection from one’s gay essence. From a spiritual perspective, the remedies
for such condition can involve not only connecting to one’s gay soul but also connecting
to a sacred place within one’s heart through meditation and other spiritual practices
that correspond to one’s chosen path. Recognizing a divine spark within one’s
heart can be enough to transform boredom and sense of emptiness to feeling of
aliveness.
Boredom affects everyone, and it
becomes a reason for concern when it turns to an ongoing psychological state.
Boredom like any challenging emotion can become an opportunity for deep psychological
work. Don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for help when boredom turns to a
painful psychological state.
For more
articles by Dr. Payam, please click on the following link: https://drpayam.com/articles_and_book
© Payam Ghassemlou MFT Ph.D. is a
licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (Psychotherapist) in private practice in
West Hollywood, California. www.DrPayam.Com