Deeply Gay
By
Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D.
Many gay men who do not
find meaning in a “work & play” lifestyle are seeking connection to
something more meaningful. Those of us who have gone through the emotional
labor of tearing down the closet door and working through painful issues that
were inflicted on us as a result of growing up gay in a homophobic world are now
facing the question of life purpose. We ask ourselves, “What is the true
purpose of my life?” In this short
article I will explore this issue with the hope of inspiring others to live a more
meaningful life.
Acknowledging your need
for a deeper existence is not only an invitation to reflect on your life and
question its meaning but also avoid a purposeless existence. Arriving at this
place in life where you reflect and show curiosity about the meaning of your
existence can be a profound experience. This arrival does not need to be an
existential crisis. It can feel like a crisis if you examine your life with the
judgmental attitude of regret and resentment. It is important to reflect on all
aspects of your life with the attitude of empathy and compassion which can
protect you from becoming self critical.
Gay men who are growing
older but not deeper can face feelings of emptiness and boredom. The reality of
aging and not having enough tools to cope with the physical and emotional
changes that often accompany aging has left these men vulnerable to depression,
anxiety, and acting out behaviors. Some have turned to unhealthy coping styles
such as addictions, isolation, overspending, expensive plastic surgeries, and
in the worst case scenario to suicide as a desperate attempt to escape the
painful feeling of emptiness. Other gay men let life happen to them in a more
disconnected way. They go through life as if asleep without participating in
it. There are also vibrant gay men who live life to the fullest. These men have
gone through the deep work of inner transformation to get to such a meaningful
place in life.
Life purpose, like the
ocean, has different depths. Parts of the ocean are deeper than others. It all
depends how deep you are willing to descend into the ocean of your life. There
are different approaches to this decent, and everyone needs to find his or her
approach. It takes courage to immerse oneself in the ocean of life rather than
just standing by the shore. As Persian poet, Hafiz stated, “How can they know
of our state, those who go lightly along the shore?” Or as
Rumi put it, “You have been walking on the ocean’s edge holding up your robes trying
to stay dry, you must dive deeper, 1000 times deeper”.
There are purposeful and
meaningful activities such as political activism, artistic expression,
parenting, traveling, embracing hobbies, or attending school that can improve
the quality of your life. Many people have found these activities enriching.
You can immerse yourself deeper into the ocean of your life by aiming for a
life purpose that not only embraces such productive activities but also goes
beyond such personal development. You can work on reaching a state of being that goes
beyond your limited ego self and focuses on the love in your heart. A state of
being that embraces personal development for the good of all people. Living
life according to your loving state of being encourages you to take the welfare
of people and the planet in consideration. You can experience not only inner personal
changes and contentment as result of operating from this state of being but
also meaningful changes in your external life. For example, slowing down and living
in the moment versus worrying about future is one of the changes you might
notice.
Experiencing a state of
being that comes from connection with the sacred place in your heart can be
facilitated through meditation. Meditation is about concentration, and it
requires consistency in order to be effective. On a daily basis spend time on
meditating with love as your focus. Deep in everyone’s heart there is a place
of love and tranquility. Gently close your eyes and silently embrace that
sacred place in your heart. You might not be able to find connection to it
right away. Having a guide or teacher in this process can be helpful. I have found many writings on Sufi meditation very helpful in this process. I have also found
beauty as my guide to embrace love.
Generally, as gays and
lesbians we have deep appreciation for beauty. Beauty as our guide can help us
to embrace love. For example, looking deeply into eyes of a beautiful person
that you desire for the sake of embracing love in your own heart can ignite a powerful
flame of love. That energy of love can be directed toward the soul of the world
and be shared for the good of all. Or the breathtaking view of beautiful sunset
is another scene that you can’t help but to appreciate and love. Focusing on
beautiful experiences for the sake of awakening the love feeling in your heart
and meditating on it is a powerful practice. Such practice can help you to
bring forward a loving state of being.
You might think meditation
with love as focus is too simple to be considered a life purpose. That is
understandable given we live in a consumerism society where people are
conditioned to seek fulfillment through over achieving and materialism. In
reality, meditating on love, on a regular basis, and for the sake of love
itself, is not that simple. Slowing down for few minutes and embracing love in
silence can be very difficult when you have to be on 24/7.
Living in a society dominated by
corporate greed and extreme inequality where individuals are expected to work
long hours with less time for personal time, meditation for the sake of love
can be a challenge. Each time you make time for such practice you also saying “no”
to all the situations that are trying to enslave you for their own profit and
gain. As people we can turn to love as life purpose and pour that energy into
our troubled world. Each love filled breath of your meditation can connect you
more deeply to your loving Self. You have the potential to be a purifier by the
quality of your meditation. With every breath,
you strengthen the love in your heart and you can send loving energy into
everyone’s heart. From this zone, your loving state of being can impact the
universe. Just like an alchemist, you can
transform your life to a more meaningful existence. What deep and lasting
contentment you can find in your life as you enter nourishing meditation.
For more
articles by Dr. Payam, please click on the following link: https://drpayam.com/articles_and_book
© Dr. Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D. is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (Psychotherapist), in private practice in West Hollywood, California. www.DrPayam.com
