For queer people, sexual desire
often longs for wings—seeking to rise beyond the gravity of shame and
heteronormative oppression. The queer body remembers; stories of homophobic
wounding, traces of which can be read in
the patterns of the nervous system. When homoerotic desire has been bound too
tightly to shame, the body may come to experience pleasure not as invitation
but as danger. Desire hesitates at the edge of threat, and when pleasure is
blocked, a restless urgency begins to stir—an ache for release, for a way
through. From this tension, desperate pathways may emerge, including chemsex,
as an attempt to slip past the sentinels of shame and reclaim a fleeting sense
of freedom.
Paradoxically, chemsex can offer
a fleeting escape from shame, yet its relief is often ephemeral. In the wake of
use, crashes, risky encounters, or choices that betray one’s own values can
stir a tide of guilt and regret. These echoes of shame do not fade quietly—they
linger, feeding vulnerability, and beckoning the body and mind toward the very
substances that promised temporary relief.
Addressing struggles such as
sexual compulsion or chemsex calls for careful, compassionate attention so that
the work of healing does not become another site of injury. Therapeutic support
must be grounded in gentleness, avoiding the deepening of shame or the quiet
wounds of internalized homophobia. The cultivation of the inner witness offers
a path toward freedom—a steady, compassionate presence within that can
illuminate and soften harmful patterns, including sexual compulsion and
chemsex, and guide the movement toward wholeness. The inner witness is the
light that allows us to read the book of our erotic desires and primary turn-on
script with embodied awareness. It is a deep internal sense of knowing—that
operates at the intersection of body, mind, and presence. It serves as a
guiding capacity that supports the prioritization of safety, mutual respect,
and embodied consent within sexual interactions.
The inner witness is sometimes
mistaken for Freud’s concept of the superego. The superego stands as an
internalized authority, formed in early childhood through the absorption of
parental and societal norms, and it often speaks in rigid or punitive tones. In
many lives, this voice carries heterosexist assumptions about relationships and
sexuality, subtly or forcefully obstructing the acceptance of homoerotic
desire. The inner witness, by contrast, does not judge or condemn. It is a
quieter presence—an attentive awareness that listens rather than commands. When
joined with embodied awareness, the inner witness allows one to remain gently
rooted in lived, bodily experience, offering a compassionate orientation toward
what truly deepens pleasure and sustains well-being.
The inner witness, as a form of
embodied awareness, rests upon a nervous system in balance. When the autonomic
nervous system is dysregulated, this inner guide struggles to sense the body’s
truths or move gracefully through erotic moments. A regulated system, in
contrast, can flow between activation and relaxation—between the rush of
sympathetic arousal and the calm of parasympathetic ease—while attuning through
neuroception, the body’s quiet sense of safety, danger, or life threat.
Coined by Dr. Stephen Porges,
neuroception describes the subtle, instinctive way our nervous system reads the
world. Trauma, however, can cloud this inner radar, making us overreact in
safety or falter when danger is real. Healing restores the nervous system’s
natural rhythm, transforming it from a chronic, reactive fight-or-flight state
into a resilient, grounded presence—one in which the inner witness can fully
inhabit the body, guiding us with clarity, safety, and attuned awareness.
In the pursuit of sexual
pleasure, impulses and reckless urges often arise like untamed currents,
calling for the quiet guidance of the inner witness, rooted in embodied
awareness, to contain rather than act them out. David (a pseudonym), a
30-year-old cis gay man who travels frequently, carries an erotic fantasy of
inviting strangers he meets on hookup apps to his hotel room—being restrained
by them, used as a vessel for their desire. For David, whose past is marked by
homophobic mistreatment and bullying, a nervous system clouded by impaired
neuroception makes it difficult to discern true danger from illusion. When
neuroception falters, the body’s innate radar for safety and threat becomes
unreliable, leaving risky terrain treacherous and uncertain.
To awaken the guidance of his
inner witness, David first had to reclaim his body from the lingering grip of
unhealed trauma. He needed a nervous system attuned and resilient, capable of
sensing safety and evaluating erotic encounters with clarity. Only then could
his inner witness emerge as a steady presence—a compassionate guide that honors
both pleasure and protection, leading him toward erotic experiences that are
both vivid and safe.
The inner witness is more than a
check against harmful behavior—it is a quiet, guiding presence within. In my
work with sexually active cisgender gay men, many of whom seek to venture
beyond the boundaries of conventional “vanilla” sex, cultivating this embodied
awareness has proven deeply valuable. It moves as both shield and compass,
helping individuals stay attuned to their limits, honor their boundaries, and
remain anchored in their core values. Through the inner witness, the body and
mind learn to recognize what feels aligned, safe, and authentic, illuminating a
path through erotic exploration that is both pleasurable and grounded.
Finally, the inner witness has
the potential to evolve as one’s healing journey moves beyond recovery from
destructive behaviors and trauma, toward the discovery of the essence of who we
are. The essence of being gay or queer is love. We come out to love freely. Some
of us seek this love on hookup apps, but often, in the playground of these
platforms, we find ourselves entering a hunting ground—a space where desire is
frequently entangled with chemically facilitated encounters.
Yet there is another kind of
erotic intoxication, one anchored in the heart of each other. Beneath our
longing for hookups lies an empty space, waiting to be ignited with
pleasure-infused love, waiting to be known for the sake of a deeper connection.
Our inner witness can nurture this love by helping us feel it within our
bodies, particularly in the heart space. The heart is where the flowers of
love-infused pleasure bloom, and the fragrance of that pleasure fills and
expands the heart.
© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT,
Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
