As members of the LGBTQ+
community, we have the opportunity to cultivate relationships free from imposed
religious, cultural, and social conditioning. Yet many of us continue to
subscribe to colonized approaches to intimacy out of fear of judgment or a desire
for acceptance.
The garden of relationships is
vast and diverse, offering many ways to love, connect, and build community.
Whatever style of relationship you choose to cultivate is entirely up to you
but let that choice be guided by what genuinely nourishes your life rather than
by a desire for approval from the dominant culture.
A typical gay man living in urban
neighborhoods such as West Hollywood or Greenwich Village may have a network
that includes platonic friends, friends with benefits, a life partner (who may
or may not also be a sexual partner), work colleagues (ideally non-sexual, as
workplace relationships can become complicated), and, in many cases, a broader
community through 12-step programs, LGBTQ+-affirming churches, or other social
groups. Each of these relationships serves a different purpose, and together
they can form a rich and interconnected garden.
Many gay men in urban communities
are in committed monogamous relationships. Other relationship structures
commonly found in gay neighborhoods, such as those in Los Angeles and New York
City, include but are not limited to polyamory, asexual polyamory, monogamish
relationships, and open relationships. In my conversations with people who
practice polyamory, I have learned that it is rooted in abundance rather than
scarcity. Polyamory allows people to love and maintain committed relationships
with multiple partners, challenging the dominant cultural expectation that one
person must meet all of our emotional, relational, and sexual needs. While
often visible in gay neighborhoods such as those in Los Angeles and New York
City, these relationship structures are not limited to those spaces and exist
across many communities more broadly.
Like any garden, queer
communities contain a wide range of relational experiences, including rupture
and infidelity, which are present across all communities. Cheating often
reflects unresolved emotional wounding or acting out, and it can profoundly
injure a partner who trusted a commitment to exclusivity. Whatever relationship
structure we choose, honesty remains the soil in which love is able to grow.
In my experience, gay men who
cultivate a deeper, more embodied relationship with themselves tend to make
healthier and more intentional choices when forming connections with others.
The healthiest gardens begin with tending to the soil. Likewise, authentic
intimacy grows from self-awareness, integrity, and a willingness to nurture
relationships that align with one's inner truth rather than society's
expectations.
In my decades of research on
cisgender gay men's approaches to relationships, I have observed a persistent
hierarchy in which monogamy is often regarded as superior to non-monogamy, and
being in a relationship is afforded greater social status than being single.
Many gay men also evaluate a relationship by its duration rather than by its
quality, depth, or the well-being of the people within it.
Gay men who do not conform to the
traditional model of an exclusive relationship are frequently subjected to
stereotypes of hypersexuality, with their ways of relating dismissed as
promiscuous or morally deficient. These judgments do not reflect inherent
truths about relationships. Rather, they mirror heterosexist values inherited
from a broader culture that has long sought to regulate intimacy and impose
narrow standards of legitimacy on us all.
There is nothing wrong with
choosing a monogamous relationship. For many people, it is deeply fulfilling
and aligns with their values. However, choosing monogamy does not make one's
relationship inherently more virtuous, pure, or evolved than other consensual
relationship structures. Likewise, choosing non-monogamy does not make someone
less capable of commitment, integrity, or love.
Some of us choose exclusivity
because one intimate relationship is already plenty to nurture, and expanding
beyond that feels emotionally or practically overwhelming. Others find that
focusing their romantic and sexual energy on one partner allows for a deeper
sense of intimacy. These are valid reasons for choosing monogamy, but they do
not confer moral superiority. None of us becomes holier, more enlightened, or
somehow above others simply because we choose an exclusive relationship.
Love needs a healthy container,
one that is free from scarcity, fear, and the need for approval from the
dominant culture. Too often, people pour love into a pressure cooker they call
their love life, and eventually it explodes because they are trying to force a
square peg into a round hole. When people attempt to fit themselves into a
monogamous relationship out of obligation or fear that other relationship
structures will be judged as less legitimate, that relationship is built on
external pressure rather than authentic choice.
Anyone who chooses a monogamous
relationship should do so because it genuinely aligns with who they are, not
because they feel they have to conform. Like any relationship structure,
monogamy is a journey that requires intention, communication, adaptability, and
continuous effort. Love does not thrive simply because two people decide to be
exclusive. It flourishes because they are willing to nurture the relationship
over time.
Another source of judgment and
shame within the gay community concerns the length of a relationship. There is
a pervasive myth that the longer you have been with one person, the higher your
social status. Relationships are often evaluated by their duration rather than
by their quality. I know couples who have been together for decades yet are
deeply unfulfilled. Nevertheless, they are admired and placed on a pedestal
simply because they have maintained a long-term exclusive relationship. That
admiration can make it difficult for them to honestly explore whether the
relationship they are in continues to serve them. The expectation to remain
together at all costs can keep people from entering the garden of relationships
to discover what truly nourishes them.
As a community, we sometimes
reinforce relationship models that mirror the expectations of a dominant
culture shaped by colonialism, heterosexism, and heterosexual indoctrination,
rather than encouraging people to choose what genuinely fits their lives. I am
often congratulated for being with the same partner for almost twenty-eight
years. Rarely does anyone ask about the quality of our relationship.
Fortunately, our relationship is both deeply fulfilling and enduring, but the
praise almost always centers on the number of years rather than on how we have
grown together.
Any consensual relationship,
regardless of its structure or duration, requires the continual development of
communication skills, emotional maturity, and a willingness to evolve. For some
people, this may also include seeking professional support. It may also involve
healing unresolved relational trauma and learning to regulate the nervous
system so that conflicts are not experienced through the lens of past wounds or
persistent states of threat. As we become more embodied and our nervous system
develops a greater capacity for safety, connection, and repair, we are better
able to respond to our partners with presence rather than react from survival
patterns. No one should be made to feel inferior because they choose a
relationship structure that differs from cultural expectations or because a
relationship, whether monogamous, non-monogamous, brief, or enduring, comes to
an end.
Healthy relationships grow from
self-awareness, emotional responsibility, and an embodied capacity for safety,
respect, and consent in action. From this foundation, we are better able to
recognize when our behavior is shaped by care and when it is shaped by
unconscious or reactive patterns formed through sexism, misogyny, shame, family
and peer expectations, and past trauma.
Judging one another for the way
we connect serves no one. Monogamous couples are sometimes criticized as boring
or overly restrictive, while non-monogamous couples are often stereotyped as
incapable of commitment or intimacy. Neither assumption is fair. As a
community, we benefit from respecting one another's relationship choices,
provided they are grounded in honesty, mutual consent, and care rather than
deception or exploitation.
At the same time, not every
relationship pattern reflects authentic freedom. Many gay men engage in
impulsive or self-destructive sexual behaviors rooted in unresolved trauma,
loneliness, or other emotional wounds. What initially appears to be a search for
pleasure can instead become a cycle of pain and compulsion. Because many gay
men grew up receiving messages that their sexuality was shameful or
unacceptable, conversations about sexual compulsivity require great care. The
goal is not to reinforce shame or internalized homophobia, but to distinguish
between healthy sexual expression and behavior that has become compulsive and
harmful.
When your relationship with sex
becomes driven by compulsive patterns, whether through chemsex, an endless
pursuit of hookups, or other behaviors that disregard your own well-being or
that of others, you are no longer acting from freedom. You are being driven by
compulsion. Such loss of agency can have significant consequences, including
sexually transmitted infections, substance dependence, damaged relationships,
career setbacks, legal problems, and a diminished sense of self-respect.
Before entering the garden of
relationships to explore the many ways of loving and connecting, it is
essential to cultivate a conscious and embodied relationship with your own
erotic life. This includes awareness of patterns such as love addiction, which
can become harmful when left unexamined. Love addiction refers to a pattern of
becoming emotionally dependent on romantic attachment or on the intensity of
“falling in love” itself. In this state, a person may rely on relationships for
self-worth and emotional regulation, leading to repetitive pursuit of romantic
connection even when it is harmful or destabilizing. Over time, this can
disrupt daily life and make it difficult to sustain grounded, reciprocal
intimacy.
The garden of relationships
flourishes in the fertile soil of nonjudgmental acceptance, where the many ways
we form connection are honored rather than ranked. We are free to cultivate
authentic relationships when our attachment patterns are no longer shaped by
unhealed relational trauma or constrained by colonized approaches to intimacy,
but instead grow from embodied choice, mutual respect, genuine care, and
wholehearted consent. Only then can love take root in the ways that are most
true to who we are.
© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a
psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing
Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and
artist (https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com)
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in
CA, OR & FL.
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