Deeply Gay

Deeply Gay

By

Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D.

Many gay men who do not find meaning in a “work & play” lifestyle are seeking connection to something more meaningful. Those of us who have gone through the emotional labor of tearing down the closet door and working through painful issues that were inflicted on us as a result of growing up gay in a homophobic world are now facing the question of life purpose. We ask ourselves, “What is the true purpose of my life?” In this short article I will explore this issue with the hope of inspiring others to live a more meaningful life.

Acknowledging your need for a deeper existence is not only an invitation to reflect on your life and question its meaning but also avoid a purposeless existence. Arriving at this place in life where you reflect and show curiosity about the meaning of your existence can be a profound experience. This arrival does not need to be an existential crisis. It can feel like a crisis if you examine your life with the judgmental attitude of regret and resentment. It is important to reflect on all aspects of your life with the attitude of empathy and compassion which can protect you from becoming self critical.

Gay men who are growing older but not deeper can face feelings of emptiness and boredom. The reality of aging and not having enough tools to cope with the physical and emotional changes that often accompany aging has left these men vulnerable to depression, anxiety, and acting out behaviors. Some have turned to unhealthy coping styles such as addictions, isolation, overspending, expensive plastic surgeries, and in the worst case scenario to suicide as a desperate attempt to escape the painful feeling of emptiness. Other gay men let life happen to them in a more disconnected way. They go through life as if asleep without participating in it. There are also vibrant gay men who live life to the fullest. These men have gone through the deep work of inner transformation to get to such a meaningful place in life.

Life purpose, like the ocean, has different depths. Parts of the ocean are deeper than others. It all depends how deep you are willing to descend into the ocean of your life. There are different approaches to this decent, and everyone needs to find his or her approach. It takes courage to immerse oneself in the ocean of life rather than just standing by the shore. As Persian poet, Hafiz stated, “How can they know of our state, those who go lightly along the shore?” Or as Rumi put it, “You have been walking on the ocean’s edge holding up your robes trying to stay dry, you must dive deeper, 1000 times deeper”.

There are purposeful and meaningful activities such as political activism, artistic expression, parenting, traveling, embracing hobbies, or attending school that can improve the quality of your life. Many people have found these activities enriching. You can immerse yourself deeper into the ocean of your life by aiming for a life purpose that not only embraces such productive activities but also goes beyond such personal development. You   can work on reaching a state of being that goes beyond your limited ego self and focuses on the love in your heart. A state of being that embraces personal development for the good of all people. Living life according to your loving state of being encourages you to take the welfare of people and the planet in consideration. You can experience not only inner personal changes and contentment as result of operating from this state of being but also meaningful changes in your external life. For example, slowing down and living in the moment versus worrying about future is one of the changes you might notice.

Experiencing a state of being that comes from connection with the sacred place in your heart can be facilitated through meditation.  Meditation is about concentration, and it requires consistency in order to be effective. On a daily basis spend time on meditating with love as your focus. Deep in everyone’s heart there is a place of love and tranquility. Gently close your eyes and silently embrace that sacred place in your heart. You might not be able to find connection to it right away. Having a guide or teacher in this process can be helpful. I have found many writings on Sufi meditation very helpful in this process. I have also found beauty as my guide to embrace love.

Generally, as gays and lesbians we have deep appreciation for beauty. Beauty as our guide can help us to embrace love. For example, looking deeply into eyes of a beautiful person that you desire for the sake of embracing love in your own heart can ignite a powerful flame of love. That energy of love can be directed toward the soul of the world and be shared for the good of all. Or the breathtaking view of beautiful sunset is another scene that you can’t help but to appreciate and love. Focusing on beautiful experiences for the sake of awakening the love feeling in your heart and meditating on it is a powerful practice. Such practice can help you to bring forward a loving state of being.

You might think meditation with love as focus is too simple to be considered a life purpose. That is understandable given we live in a consumerism society where people are conditioned to seek fulfillment through over achieving and materialism. In reality, meditating on love, on a regular basis, and for the sake of love itself, is not that simple. Slowing down for few minutes and embracing love in silence can be very difficult when you have to be on 24/7.

Living in a society dominated by corporate greed and extreme inequality where individuals are expected to work long hours with less time for personal time, meditation for the sake of love can be a challenge. Each time you make time for such practice you also saying “no” to all the situations that are trying to enslave you for their own profit and gain. As people we can turn to love as life purpose and pour that energy into our troubled world. Each love filled breath of your meditation can connect you more deeply to your loving Self. You have the potential to be a purifier by the quality of your meditation.  With every breath, you strengthen the love in your heart and you can send loving energy into everyone’s heart. From this zone, your loving state of being can impact the universe.  Just like an alchemist, you can transform your life to a more meaningful existence. What deep and lasting contentment you can find in your life as you enter nourishing meditation.

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

Homophobia Enemy of Curiosity

Homophobia Enemy of Curiosity

By Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.

The landscape of our life is as vast as the degree of our curiosity. This is an emotion that can be put in motion by a wondrous dance with creation. Curiosity motivates us to show interest in ourselves and the world around us. With curiosity, we can passionately explore the mystery of life. It also engages us with the content of our universe and helps us to come to life in a new way. When life comes to us through our curiosity, we become an active player in our life. We no longer sit passively and let life just happen.

Lack of curiosity keeps us prisoner in the small pond that we call our life. Without curiosity, we can never leave this small pond and merge with the ocean or never ride the inquisitive waves. When we don’t explore, notice, ask questions or embrace the wonder of life we are not living a full life. Without curiosity our life lacks meaning and vitality. This is why curiosity is so important in order to live a meaningful life.

Curiosity requires support and tolerance to leave our comfort zone and venture into the unknown. Curiosity starts early in life, and requires support from care givers in order to fully blossom. All small children need to learn about their emotions including curiosity and healthy parenting includes this task.

One of the barriers toward developing a strong sense of curiosity for gay and lesbian youth has to do with a homophobic upbringing. Homophobia prevents gay and lesbian kids from fully embracing their sense of curiosity. Many of my gay and lesbian patients, including a number of bisexual and transgender individuals, have shared with me that as young as age four they felt different. They were unable to articulate why they felt different, and, at the same time, they were too afraid to talk about it. Many reported that they knew this feeling of being different was related to something forbidden. Many found it too threatening to show curiosity toward their feeling of differentness hence their sense of curiosity got discouraged from early age. Growing up in a homophobic atmosphere caused their sense of curiosity to be replaced with fear and shame.

When an adolescent’s curiosity about his or her same sex attraction gets fed with homophobic messages of disgust, he or she can develop self hate and be forced into a closet of shame. Homophobic messages and violent attacks can discourage his or her sense of curiosity, which can have negative consequences including lack of relationship to one’s inner life. It can prevent the youngster from learning to know himself or herself and develop a deeper emotional insight.

Depression is common among those gays and lesbians who suffered homophobic mistreatment growing up. Many of them who felt different and did not flow with mainstream reported suffering in silence without any support in understanding their feelings. Curiosity toward complex matters like feeling of differentness and same sex attraction requires support from caring adults. Many reported they did not have support to follow their natural sense of curiosity and explore their feeling of differentness. As a result their ability to be curious was hindered which caused a sense of deadness inside them and resulted in long term depression.

Thrill seeking behaviors such as drug abuse and risky sex are another example of consequences for underdeveloped curiosity. Some gay individuals use thrill seeking behaviors as compensation for their insufficient relationship to their sense of curiosity. Thrill seeking behaviors are ways they might try to cope with the void and emptiness that results from lack of access to their curiosity. Life can feel meaningless without freedom to be curious.

The journey toward healing from the impact of homophobia on one’s sense of curiosity requires support from caring counselors or psychotherapists who have experience treating such matters. Curiosity, like a muscle, needs plenty of exercise to stay fit. Your gym is the present moment where you can exercise your sense of curiosity. I have found mindfulness practices such as consciously choosing to adapt an attitude of curiosity toward our present moment is a simple and yet powerful step toward redeeming one’s sense of curiosity. For example, a simple walk from your car to the store can become an opportunity to awaken you feeling of curiosity. By curiously noticing the ground under your feet as you walk toward your destination or paying attention to the noise in your immediate area, you can be present and engaged with life. This form of active engagement with your present moment can enhance and improve your ability to be curious.

It is never too late to heal from the impact of homophobia on our ability to feel our curiosity. With curiosity, our life no longer lacks purpose, and we can passionately explore the mystery of our inner life and embrace our gayness.

For more articles by Dr. Payam, please click on the following link:  https://drpayam.com/articles_and_book

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

He is the author of Fruit Basket: A Gay Man’s Journey. In his book, Dr. Payam Ghassemlou writes about the psycho-spiritual journey of a gay man named Javid, in which he struggles with homophobia and having a life purpose. Available on Amazon

LGBT Suicide and the Trauma of Growing Up Gay

By

Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D.

Listen to this article

        As a mental health counselor for the past twenty years, I have listened to many painful stories from some of my lesbian and gay clients regarding their upbringing in a homophobic and heterosexist world. Many of my gay and lesbian clients, including a number of bisexual and transgender individuals, have shared with me that as young as age five, they felt different. They were unable to articulate why they felt different, and, at the same time, they were too afraid to talk about it. Many reported that they knew this feeling of being different was related to something forbidden. “It felt like keeping a tormenting secret that I could not even understand,” described one of my gay clients. Others shared with me that this feeling of difference revealed itself in the form of gender nonconformity, which could not be kept secret. Therefore, it made them more vulnerable to homophobic and transphobic mistreatment at school and often at home. They had to cope with a daily assault of shame and humiliation without any support.

The experience of carrying a sense of differentness, because it related to some of the most taboo and despised images in our culture, can leave traumatic scars on one’s psyche. Most school-age children organize their school experience around the notion of not coming across as queer. Any school-age child’s worst nightmare is being called faggot or dyke, which is commonly experienced by many children who do not flow with the mainstream. One gay high school student disclosed to me that, on average, he hears more than twenty homophobic remarks a day. Schools can feel like a scary place for LGBT children, or any child who gets scapegoated as queer. For the most part, LGBT kids do not get any protection from school officials. This is a form of child abuse on a collective level. Mistreatment of LGBT youth and a lack of protection are contributing factors to the issue of LGBT teen suicide.

 The feeling of differentness as it relates to being gay or lesbian is too complex for any child to process and make sense of, especially when coupled with external attacks in the form of homophobic, derogatory name calling. Unlike a black child whose parents are typically also black, or a Jewish child with Jewish parents and relatives, the LGBT youth typically does not have gay or lesbian parents or anyone who could mirror his or her experience. In fact, many families tend to blame the mistreated LGBT youngster for not being like everyone else, making the child feel like he or she deserves this mistreatment.

When parents are either unable or unwilling to “feel and see” the world through the eyes of their child and do not provide a reflection that makes the child feel valued, that child can not develop a strong sense of self. Faced with isolation, confusion, humiliation, physical violence, not being valued in the eyes of their parents, and carrying a secret that the youngster connects with something terrible and unthinkable is too stressful for any child to endure – especially when there is no empathic other to help him or her to sort it out. The youngster suffers in silence and might use dissociation to cope. In a worst-case scenario, he or she could commit suicide.

Many LGBT youth who found the courage to open up about their identity issues have experienced rejection from their families and peers. Some families treat such disclosures as bringing shame on the family. They may throw their kid out of the house, which forces the youngster to join the growing population of homeless kids on the street.

The stress of trying to come to terms with a complex matter such as same sex attraction, one’s family’s rejection as a result of finding out about same sex attraction, and becoming victimized through verbal and physical abuse by peers due to being different are contributing factors to the trauma of growing up gay or lesbian. Such traumatic experiences can explain why lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers. Suicide attempts by LGBT youth are their desperate attempts to escape the traumatic process of growing up queer.

Those of us who survived the trauma of growing up queer without adequate support and managed to reach adulthood can benefit by becoming conscious of our internalized homophobia. When a gay or lesbian youngster experiences humiliation every school day for being different and has no one to protect them, that child can develop internalized homophobia. Internalized homophobia is internalization of shame and hatred that gay and lesbian people were forced to experience. The seed of internalized homophobia is planted at an early age. Having one’s psyche contaminated by the shadow of internalized homophobia can result in low self-esteem and other problems later in life. Bisexual and transgender youngsters can also internalize the hatred they had to endure growing up, and may develop self-hatred.

To not deal with internalized homophobia is to ignore the wreckage of the past. Psychological injuries that were inflicted on LGBT people as result of growing up in a homophobic and heterosexist world need to be addressed. Each time a LGBT youngster was insulted or attacked for being different, such attacks left scars on his or her soul. Such violent mistreatment caused many to develop feelings of inferiority.

Life after the closet needs to include coming out of toxic shame, which means becoming aware of repressed or disassociated memories and feelings around homophobic mistreatment that was experienced growing up. All the rejection and derogatory name-calling one suffered growing up queer can be stored in the psyche in the form of implicit memory: a type of memory that impacts one’s life without one noticing it or consciously knowing its origin. Coming out of toxic shame involves recalling and sharing what it felt like growing up in a world that did not respect one’s identity, fully feeling the injustice of it. Providing empathy and unconditional positive regard for the fact that one has endured many years of confusion, shame, fear, and homophobic mistreatment can give birth to new feelings of pride and honor about one’s LGBT identity. This is an alchemical process that involves transforming painful emotions through love and empathy.

 As a community, learning to know ourselves can add vitality to our struggle for freedom. The LGBT liberation movement should not only include fighting for our equal rights, but also working through the injuries that were inflicted on us while growing up queer in a heterosexist world. External changes such as marriage equality or the repeal of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy alone cannot heal us from homophobic mistreatment and rejection we received growing up gay or lesbian.


We need to open a new psychological frontier and take our struggle for freedom to a new level. The gay civil rights movement is like a bird that needs two wings to fly, not just one. So far, the political wing has been the main carrier of this movement. By adding psychological healing work as the other wing, the bird of gay liberty can reach even greater heights.

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

The Flame of Love

The Flame of Love

By

Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.

On a daily basis, many of us spend a lot of time thinking about our life challenges. We think about all sorts of difficult situations, like financial problems, and make ourselves believe we can’t handle them. Catastrophic thinking about our lives bombards us with anxiety and contributes to our feeling of insecurity.

Many of us tend to project our past disappointments and failures into the future and make ourselves believe they are going to happen again. Consequently, we are going to feel paralyzed and unable to come up with creative solutions for our life problems. It is very difficult to feel confident, creative, and brave while we are intensely anxious. Obsessing on our life problems will not solve anything especially if we approach them with the same thinking pattern that created them. Thinking alone is not enough to cope with life issues.

As a psychotherapist, when I listen to people’s life struggles, I notice how much of their life suffering has to do with their habitual negative thinking. A common-sense approach might be to recommend positive thinking and offer people tools to challenge their pessimistic attitude. There is nothing wrong with that except we are being lead back to our thinking and having to deal with more thoughts in our heads. The never-ending battle between positive and negative thinking, which keep us in our heads, is not the only option.

We can learn from different spiritual teachings including Sufism on experiencing life through our hearts and less through our limited thoughts. These teachings can allow us to be in our hearts and not in a battle with our thoughts. Our thoughts need to be experienced in the field of the heart. In other words, thoughts must obey the heart because whenever the heart rules fear disappears.

One way to enter the realm of our heart is by activating our capacity to feel love. We can do this by remembering something or someone we care about. By using our imagination we can remember and picture anything that we love and open up our heart. We can meditate on that love in our heart and stay away from conflicting thoughts in our head. Each time we notice any of our thoughts we can embrace it with the love we feel in our heart. The flame of this love will burn our fearful thoughts and transform our anxious state of mind to a peaceful and loving state.

The goal is not to stop thinking, but to let ourselves feel more love in our heart. A good example of this is my patient Chad, a 34-year-old man who used to worry a lot. Every time he stayed with his thoughts about his stressful career or his relationship problems, he felt worse. He often anticipated and believed his painful past experiences are going to be repeated. After encouraging him to share about his life concerns and providing empathic listening, I encouraged him to try something different. I asked him to remember any loving situations and feel that love in his heart. He imagined and felt his love for his pet, and that love became the key to his heart. After entering his heart, I encouraged him to stay in that loving place. Any thoughts could be experienced in his heart. By practicing this simple meditation, he was able to let go of his worries. Throughout the day when he found himself lost in his catastrophic thoughts, he would remind himself that the place to be is “in my heart and not my head.”*

Chad was able to heal his anxiety provoking thoughts through meditating on the love in his heart. He realized the content of his mind can be experienced and filtered through his heart.

This type of healing can happen on a collective level as well. Not only can we make personal changes by coming from the heart but also collective changes. The mind has not been able to solve issues like war, disease, poverty, racism, homophobia, or violence against women and children. In fact, these issues have to do with destructive thoughts patterns and behaviors. As we learn to open our hearts and let the love flow in our hearts, we can pour that love into the universe and let it be used for the good of all people.

It is easier to trust what happens in our heart than in our busy mind. By being in the service of the heart, we have a better chance to resolve our personal and global problems. By letting our hearts work with our minds, we can change ourselves and the world.

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

*Names and other details have been changed in respect for privacy and confidentiality.

Transforming Loneliness into Golden Solitude

Transforming Loneliness into Golden Solitude

By Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D.

www.drPayam.com

Loneliness has the potential to be transformed into meaningful solitude. When lonely, you might experience yourself as empty and void of vitality. You might long for someone to come into your life and save you from the isolation that people often feel with loneliness. This is why many people get into unhealthy relationships as a desperate way to not feel alone. The pain of being alone can cause you to have superficial ties to others and can put you at risk of becoming needy and clinging. You might also try to get rid of your lonely feeling with activities like excessive drinking, drug use, overeating, and overspending. Even though our extroverted culture encourages you to get rid of your lonely feeling with superficial activities, you can pay attention to your experience of loneliness with the intention of growing from it.

When you feel lonely, it’s important not to judge or compare yourself to others who seem happier. How you define your experience of being by yourself can impact how you feel about it. For example, if you think being alone means you are not a lovable person then loneliness can feel like a humiliating experience. Having shame for being alone can only make you feel worse. It is important to embrace loneliness as part of life and not personalize it as a shaming experience. Having compassion and empathy for our life’s challenges is an important step toward understanding them and eventually transforming loneliness to solitude.

To do this, it helps to get support from a friend or guide who is mature and experienced in mining the gold found in solitude. Sometimes loneliness can feel like being lost, and having a guide to help you start the journey towards solitude is important. This journey can include working with your inner child, journaling, dream work, and active imagination. It can also involve spiritual practices such as mediation.

Loneliness can be difficult to tolerate when you don’t have a conscious relationship with yourself. Sometimes loneliness can feel as though a small child is crying within you and in need of holding. If you have not cultivated self-compassion, you can’t take care of your lonely inner child, the child you once were which continues to live in your adult body. You might have felt lonely and abandoned growing up. Consciously connecting with these childhood experiences of loneliness and abandonment, and making emotional discoveries about them, are part of the healing process. Your inner child can be helped to feel safe. The key is consistency; you need to take time and reach out to your inner child. You can do this by meditating on the image of holding and loving the child you once were. This loving image can have a profound healing effect on your experience of loneliness and can strengthen your capacity to experience solitude. It can also help you to cultivate self-compassion. Getting in touch with painful, repressed feelings is a very intense process and should be done with the help of a psychotherapist or other knowledgeable guide.

You can examine your loneliness through journal writing. By writing about loneliness while you are experiencing it in the moment, you can bring consciousness to it. Writing in a journal can help you organize the contents of your mind and avoid keeping things inside. You can put your lonely experience in perspective and gain more clarity when you write about it. The writing needs to be done with an attitude of caring and compassion. Blaming and criticizing yourself or others for being alone is not going to help you to grow from the writing experience. With patience, the light of consciousness during the writing process eventually transforms your loneliness to a more meaningful experience.

Psychological inner work such as dream work can help you to open yourself up to messages from the unconscious. Through writing your dreams in a dream journal and making efforts to understand them, you can have a profound experience honoring your unconscious. Dream work can deepen your relationship with yourself. Knowing yourself can help you to become your own caring friend, which reduces loneliness. One of the Sufi poets who have inspired me to pay attention to my dreams is Rumi. In his poems on dreams, Rumi encourages us to pay attention to wonders that manifest in sleep.

Working with the power of the active imagination can transform loneliness. This technique can help you imagine and explore your inner world. You can dialogue with different parts of yourself including your lonely self. Showing curiosity toward this lonely self, and having a dialogue with it through active imagination, are important steps to reduce the feeling of isolation and create solitude. To learn more about active imagination, I recommend a wonderful book, “Inner Work,” by Robert A. Johnson.

Adding a spiritual perspective can move you to a new and higher level. It is like climbing a hill and being able to see the whole countryside. Each of us can find a spiritual path and spiritual practices that feel right.

One of the spiritual practices that I am familiar with is meditation. Meditation can change your loneliness and become a doorway to a sacred place in your heart. In this sacred place is a window that opens up to a field with light and intoxicating fragrance. This intoxication is a divine experience that words often cannot describe it.

During meditation you can be aware of your breath. Each breath can connect you more deeply to your higher Self. You have the potential to be a spiritual purifier by the quality of your breath. Through this practice, your loving thoughts, feelings, imagination, and actions can impact the universe.

The psychological and spiritual work you do can help you grow bigger than the painful experiences of loneliness. Working on yourself can help you enter a vast space of solitude where you can be part of the community of people who are consciously alone for the purpose of enlightenment. Spiritual practice such as meditation can add sweet fragrance to your experience of solitude.

Just like an alchemist, you can turn something like loneliness to something more like solitude. Psychological work and spiritual practice are the fire needed to transform the lead of painful loneliness to golden solitude. What deep and lasting contentment you can find in your life as you enter nourishing solitude.

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

Sharing and Listening

By Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D.

Have you ever had the experience of sharing your life challenges or problems with an empathic listener who gave you his or her undivided attention? A kind of listener who did not judge you and really cared about what you had to say. Someone who was not quick to give you advice and solutions but was interested to hear how you felt about your life challenges. When I recall my experiences of feeling heard and deeply understood by someone I know how much the experience helped me to cope with whatever I was dealing with at the time. Caring people who I have turned to in difficult times helped me the most by listening and asking about my feelings. By encouraging me to talk about my feelings they gave me opportunity to put words into how I was feeling. Each time I named how I felt inside in relation to what was going on in my life I felt more in control.

During one of my volunteer works at a local HIV and Cancer clinic I found the helpfulness of empathic listening. As a volunteer I was providing emotional support to people with health related problems. Empathic listening really made a difference on how patients felt about their health problems. By sharing about their pain and suffering and my willingness to listen they felt less alone. Feeling alone and facing difficult life challenges can be very painful. Having a witness to life sufferings in the form of an empathic listener can make it less painful. For example, patients who could identify their feelings of fear and vulnerability in relation to their health problems and communicate those feelings began to feel less dominated by fear and vulnerability. By becoming aware of their feelings they felt more mastery over their feelings.

We can make life easier for each other by becoming a better listener and encourage each other to share about our feelings. We can become a better listener by avoid giving advice and trying to problem solve unless we are asked to do so. Pressuring others to solve their life problems "our ways" is not helpful. Most people intuitively know how to solve their own problems. A good listener can help them to access that knowing place that has all the answers. As a listener it’s important to be patient and not interrupt the speaker. Let him or her say what they need to say. Ask helpful questions which help your listener expand on what they need to talk about. Let them know its ok to talk about their feelings and support them in feeling their feelings.

When one does not share nor reach out for support He or she can remain a lonely mystery. Life can feel lonely when one keeps everything inside. Feeling alone with life problems can feel worse than the problem itself. When we let a caring person to listen to our life struggle we no longer feel alone with our struggle. Don’t be afraid asking your loved ones to take time and hear you out. Sometimes you have to ask for it. People cannot read your mind. Confiding in others can have a positive effect on our mood.

Make a conscious decision to inquire about your friends or loved ones on what’s going on in their lives. By showing interest in the life of people you care about you can strengthening your friendships. It’s very simple and yet it can make a big difference in the way you relate to each other.

  

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

He is the author of Fruit Basket: A Gay Man’s Journey. In his book, Dr. Payam Ghassemlou writes about the psycho-spiritual journey of a gay man named Javid, in which he struggles with homophobia and having a life purpose. Available on Amazon

Coming Out for Gay and Lesbian Iranians

Coming Out for Gay and Lesbian Iranians

By 

Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D.

As a gay Iranian living in Los Angeles, I would like to do my part in bringing attention to the fear, shame and isolation that many gay Iranians (LGBT community) experience living in Iran and overseas. Per my dialogue with other gay Iranians, who are still living in Iran or have recently escaped the country, and as noted in several news articles, countless number of gays have been tortured and persecuted by the Iranian government. It has been reported that undercover Iranian law enforcement has entrapment operations that arrest and execute suspected gay people in secret prisons. Despite extreme violence against gay people in Iran, many still risk their lives by trying to exercise their basic human needs to connect and build loving relationships. They are brave people for jeopardizing their lives this way.

The world knows that not only the gay population but Iran itself is a victim of oppression. With worldwide recognition, the 2009 uprising in Iran has gained respect internationally at the cost of many sacrificing their lives just to be differentiated from the regime of the current dictator, Khamenei.  More international efforts are being called to help Iran.

Gay Iranians who live abroad are dealing with other sets of challenges, including the struggle to come out and live an authentic life. They may not deal with Iran’s oppressive government, but they still find themselves oppressed by both intrinsic and extrinsic homophobia. Growing up in a homophobic and heterosexist society contributes to the angst of shame and rejection that most gay Iranians experience. Heterosexism dictates only one kind of existence and it is being married to the opposite sex and raising children. Any deviation from such a traditional lifestyle is denounced by individuals and religious groups that patronize heterosexism. One can only imagine how it feels like for LGBT people to grow up in such societies.

Extrinsic homophobia that many gay people experience includes being bullied and called derogatory names, not having freedom to marry, getting fired from their job, being blamed for AIDS, and becoming victim of gay bashing. As long as gay people are subject to homophobic mistreatment, the fight to challenge homophobia needs to continue.

The remedy for the negative impact of homophobia and heterosexism is self acceptance. Learning to take pride in one’s gay identity is an important step toward healing. Pride and self-acceptance requires work and dedication which involves participation in gay-affirming counseling sessions, attending coming out groups, volunteering for gay pride events, reading self affirming books, and building friendships with other gay people.

Gay Iranians often deal with lack of family acceptance and support. Many Iranian families who migrated to the United States live in close knit communities. Most of which live in Southern California and are most commonly referred to as Persians. For the most part, the Persian community does not embrace gayness. Lack of acceptance by the community and by their family members make it very difficult for some gay Persians to come out. As an immigrant myself, I understand that having a strong relationship with one’s family and one’s community are vital in order to survive in a foreign country. Many gay Iranians live a double life as a way to avoid jeopardizing such vital support. Staying “in the closet” helps many gay Iranians avoid rejection from their family and their community, but it comes with a high price. Many closeted gay people resort to lying and hiding their true identity which later on can lead to negative feelings like dishonesty and disingenuous.  Gay individuals need to obtain support in order to avoid remaining a victim of homophobia and live a double life.

Coming out involves a degree of differentiation and establishment of a personal identity outside one’s family. Another reason gay Iranians might have a harder time coming out is due to difficulty in having a different identity than what is expected from their own family. A traditional Iranian family is patriarchal, and the father is the undisputed head of the family. The mother tends to encourage her children to respect their father’s authority and seek his approval.  For the most part, no one dares to question this system, sacrificing one’s needs to gain parental approval. In many Iranian family systems, there is no room to express one’s gay identity. In most Iranian families coming out is viewed as “bringing shame to their family.”  It is not uncommon for Iranian parents suppress their gay children by using guilt factors like accusing them of being “namak nashnas” (Persian for ungrateful).

Even though Persians  who migrated to the United States are very educated people, still many of them believe that being gay is a choice and one can always change. I disagree on the other hand.  It has never been a matter of choice for me and my intention of coming out to my family during my early twenties is to have a real relationship with them and stop pretending.

Sadly, for some repercussions of “coming out” can entails family violence, homelessness or extreme financial burden. The decision to come “out of the closet” is a continuous process that requires support from other individuals who have relevant experiences. Each individual has to assess his or her personal safety before deciding to move forward and come out. No one should be pressured or forced to come out.

Iranian families, who are dealing with their children coming out, also go through a painful journey. Many parents raise their children hoping they would grow up “normal” as affirmed by the conservative society. They look forward to having grand children as a result of their children’s heterosexual union. “Coming out” can shatter such dreams for many parents. Support groups are encouraged to assist these parents who mourn the loss of their children’s perceived heterosexual identity. Parents would often blame themselves, and they find difficulty understanding that it is not merely a choice. We are born this way.  The best thing Iranian families can do for their gay children is accepting and loving them with no judgment. There is no valid reason for families to fall apart.

Being gay is more about loving another human being and should never be judged as unnatural. PFLAG, Parents, Friends and Families of Lesbians and Gays, is a national non-profit organization that aims to provide families with moral support and counseling to address their issues.

Despite all the suffering that gay people worldwide, Iranians as well, have endured due to homophobia, many have overcome these challenges and live happy lives. “It does get better,” as the saying goes.

No one should be made to feel bad about his or her identity. Iranian people have a rich culture of poetry and mysticism that is filled with homoerotic stories and poems. We can look into our own rich literature for validation of gay love. We can stand together and help to liberate one another from the bondage of homophobia hoping someday none of us has to suffer for love.

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

He is the author of Fruit Basket: A Gay Man’s Journey. In his book, Dr. Payam Ghassemlou writes about the psycho-spiritual journey of a gay man named Javid, in which he struggles with homophobia and having a life purpose. Available on Amazon