Saturday, July 12, 2025

A Prideful Perspective on Growing Up Queer By Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D., SEP

 



Taking pride in our journeys of growing up and discovering our queer essence involves honoring the full diversity of our community. As a member of the LGBTQIA+ family, I cherish this diversity and hold space for those who may not claim the word queer as their own. As a cisgender gay man, I have spent more than three decades gathering the stories of other cisgender gay and queer men—stories woven with sorrow, defiance, tenderness, and fierce love. Through them, I’ve learned that we are a people of resilience, fearless hearts, and boundless compassion. It’s from this well of shared experience that I write. And still, no matter how you name your beautiful essence, may these words remind you to honor the quiet, unyielding courage it took to carry your spirit through the fires of becoming.

In previous articles, I’ve written in depth about the trauma of growing up in a homophobic and transphobic world—a world that often failed to honor our true essence—and the profound impact that has on our lives. By reflecting on the overwhelming experience of identity formation for LGBTQ+ youth who lacked support and faced mistreatment, I invited readers with similar histories to meet their own suffering with greater empathy. One path toward healing from trauma begins by cultivating compassion for the pain we’ve endured.

In this article, I invite readers to reflect not only on the courage it took to survive the challenges of growing up queer but also on the resources that helped them navigate those experiences. One meaningful way to engage with the experience of growing up in a homophobic and transphobic world is by identifying the tools, relationships, and inner strengths that carried us through. This strengths-based approach can help reduce the risk of re-traumatization when dealing with past trauma experiences.

One goal of processing difficult past experiences—often held in the body, including within the autonomic nervous system—is to gently release their hold on us. As we begin the work of letting go of embodied trauma, it's essential to stay grounded in the safety of the present moment. One way to do this is by welcoming the positive emotions that arise from acknowledging our journey toward self-acceptance and equality. By dropping into bodily sensations associated with such acknowledgement, we can create a more compassionate and gentler path toward healing. This isn’t to minimize the reality of today’s anti-LGBTQ+ climate—there is still much work to be done. But recognizing how far we've come and celebrating our progress can be both empowering and a source of hope as we continue on our personal healing journey and strive for greater justice and equality.

Not everyone who grew up queer experienced trauma or mistreatment, and it's important to recognize that. However, for those LGBTQ+ individuals with more positive upbringings, it’s worth exploring how witnessing the mistreatment of other queer youth—whether directly or indirectly, through media, community, or shared stories—might have affected them. Additionally, being raised by loving, supportive parents who assumed their child was straight can create a subtle but meaningful disconnect. Even in caring households, that underlying assumption may feel at odds with a person’s authentic sense of self. Many LGBTQ+ individuals have found it helpful to process these experiences with a trained professional—especially one who is also a member of the community and has done their own personal work around similar dynamics.

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to recognize that trauma is both a biological and physiological response to overwhelming events—not just a psychological one. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score, “trauma lives in the body’s memory, not in the moment that caused it.” Similarly, Peter Levine notes, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” In my training on the impact of trauma on the nervous system, I learned that many queer individuals with a history of trauma often experience a persistent sense of threat, even in the absence of actual danger. This ongoing state of perceived threat is a key component of anxiety. They may become stuck in a chronic fear response, which can manifest as a prolonged state of fight, flight, or freeze. Supporting the nervous system in completing the responses it couldn’t at the time of the trauma can help deactivate this stuck fear response and promote healing.

One gentle way to access trauma stored in the queer body is by cultivating a sense of safety. This can begin by identifying what was—and still is—supportive in relation to being queer. By recalling and tuning into the felt sense of moments when we experienced safety growing up, we can approach trauma with more care and compassion. For example, when I hear stories from gay or queer young people who have endured hateful acts, I often ask: What helped them cope with such overwhelming stress? How did they make it through? Who showed them kindness during that time? Naming what helped them survive not only honors their resilience but also supports the process of gently shifting out of a stuck threat response.

Queer people who grow up in challenging circumstances—especially experiences of homophobia or transphobia—require a safe therapeutic space. In that space, individuals can honor the deep courage it took to survive and begin to see themselves as the heroes of their own stories. Taking this a step further, we might become curious: How does the person’s body respond to being validated as the hero of their own story? What sensations arise as they recall the people, places, or moments that supported them during their upbringing? Do they feel warmth or openness in their chest? Do their shoulders feel lighter? Has their breathing shifted? Is there any change in their vision?

In a safe therapeutic setting, the person recovering from trauma can begin to gently orient to the safety of the present moment as they process and integrate early life experiences. Given my extensive training in the Somatic Experiencing approach to trauma healing, I have learned one way to do this is by pausing and noticing the environment through the senses. This simple act of orienting involves exploring your surroundings—letting your eyes move naturally, turning your head gently, and allowing your gaze to rest on an object for a few moments. When you're ready, you can continue scanning the environment in this mindful way. It can also be helpful to notice what feels pleasant in your surroundings and stay with that experience for as long as it feels supportive. For example, you might see a beautiful tree outside your window. If it feels pleasant, let yourself really notice it and track any corresponding sensations of ease or comfort in your body. Through this practice, the person on a healing journey may begin to cultivate a deeper sense of inner safety, grounding their reflections in the present as they explore and make meaning of the past.

In my work with queer people, I have learned that for some, there were no helpful resources available to cope adequately with the pain and suffering caused by homophobic and transphobic bullying. They cannot recall anyone who offered support or anything that lessened the humiliation they felt for being different. In such cases, the person can be invited to imagine the missing resources and notice what happens internally when they picture having those resources during that time. For example, Lee, a 25-year-old queer nonbinary person, grew up in a small religious community in the Midwest, without the privilege of a queer-friendly environment like Greenwich Village in New York or open-minded parents. They experienced homophobic mistreatment at home and bullying at school. When invited to recall any resources or situations that helped ease their suffering, they could not remember any. Processing their trauma while staying within the trauma vortex—where overwhelming emotions, memories, and sensations make it difficult to function—could have led to re-traumatization. Instead, Lee benefited from imagining the missing resources being available during their childhood. Through their imagination, they pictured RuPaul and an army of drag queens coming to their rescue, freeing them from bullying and humiliation. The bodily sensations that arose from this imaginal experience activated their ventral vagal pathway, creating a state of safety and relaxation. The experience felt profoundly real in their body. For the first time, they experienced the freedom to use imagination as a doorway to transform what they could not change as a child. They were not denying the overwhelming feelings they had growing up, but for the first time, began to experience pleasant sensations that contrasted with the trauma-related feelings. Repeatedly moving between the distress of their past and the safety created through imagination helped regulate their autonomic nervous system, preventing it from becoming stuck in hyperarousal (overwhelm and agitation). This process strengthened their emotional resilience and allowed them to integrate past experiences without re-traumatization.

Unlike Lee, many queer people found helpful resources while growing up, and they needed therapeutic support to tap into the healing power of recalling and embodying those resources. Even Lee needed help to discover how they managed to get through their painful experiences and still be here to talk about them. Later in their therapy, Lee discovered that rocking their body from side to side was a somatic resource that helped them self-soothe and manage anxiety during their childhood. This discovery happened during a session when they were unaware they were rocking as they reflected on their past. By being invited to pause and notice what their body was doing, Lee recognized that this movement had helped them through difficult moments. They took pride in the wisdom of their body for offering a resource when none was available from the outside.

Finally, we live in a world where most of us grew up surrounded by heterosexual indoctrination. For those of us with a queer soul, this often meant having to protect ourselves from its pervasive influence. We sought refuge in the resources available to us and can take pride in the survival skills we developed and the support systems we leaned on to get through. It’s important to recognize the bodily sensations connected to these resources, allowing them to serve as a foundation for whatever may emerge as we continue our healing journeys. Regardless of what caused our trauma, we all have a right to heal. Life is meant to be an opportunity to grow, to love, to experience joy—not a constant reliving of unhealed pain. That’s why somatic-focused trauma therapy is so necessary—not only for LGBTQ+ people, but for anyone living with trauma. It offers a path forward, a way to reconnect with ourselves, and a chance to fully thrive.

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist (https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com)

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida

 

 

Monday, March 24, 2025

Goal Achievement Made Simple



Having a clear sense of purpose can significantly enhance your motivation in life, and goal setting is a powerful way to cultivate that purpose. By setting clear, actionable goals, you can maintain focus and avoid feeling lost. Many successful people have clear goals and follow sensible plans to achieve them. Goal Achievement Made Simple is designed to help you set meaningful goals and provides manageable steps to help you bring those goals to life.

You might find it easier to focus on one goal at a time. However, if you choose to pursue multiple goals, simply apply the Goal Achievement Made Simple process separately to each one. By following each simple step, you’ll be on your way to achieving your objectives.

The link provided on this page will direct you to a site where you can learn more about obtaining the printable PDF of Goal Achievement Made Simple. This popular and simple 5-page goal-setting and action plan PDF makes the process of achieving your goals more accessible. Based on feedback from psychotherapists, coaches, teachers, artists, business professionals, people with ADHD, and writers who have used Goal Achievement Made Simple, it’s highly likely you will benefit from it too.

The process has been kept concise to avoid overwhelming you with excessive affirmations, to-do lists, or unnecessary tasks. Achieving your goals requires focusing on positive emotions and beliefs, so you are encouraged to stay optimistic and seek out resources that support your journey.

The time to work toward your desired outcome is now. Imagine the joy of achieving what you truly desire. Follow the link to learn more about how to obtain the 5-page Goal Achievement Made Simple printable PDF. 



Sunday, February 2, 2025

Managing Nervous System Dysregulation Amid the Storm of Political Turmoil by Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D., SEP

 



You are not alone. Across the globe, hearts and minds stir in response to the political winds sweeping through the U.S. In my conversations with Americans and voices from distant shores alike, I hear a shared unease about democracy's fragile future. No matter where you stand on the political spectrum, it’s hard to escape the weight of a world in turmoil. Your nervous system inevitably reacts to the upheaval. The threads of mental health and political tension are intricately woven together, especially for marginalized communities—people of color, women, and LGBTQ+ individuals—who bear the brunt of discrimination and the steady erosion of freedoms.

Taking a somatic approach to navigating the current political tensions involves recognizing the role of the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS, a key part of the central nervous system, governs our fight, flight, or freeze responses, and plays a central role in our sense of safety, connection with others, and ability to recover from overwhelming experiences. To maintain your well-being in these unprecedented times, it's crucial to learn how to manage your nervous system activations and become your own protective container. Your body can serve as this container—a vessel in which you can settle and access a sense of safety. A settled body becomes a resource that can support you through turbulent times, including political unrest. I encourage you to explore the strategies outlined below, which can support your ANS toward safety and regulation, ultimately activating the parasympathetic nervous system.

 1) Your nervous system is constantly responding to your news consumption. Sensational headlines, emotionally charged stories, and captivating images all impact both your body and mind. Many TV networks are run by people who have perfected the art of hooking viewers by creating a sense of urgency and fear. They essentially take their audience on a roller coaster ride without them even realizing it. This daily emotional upheaval can lead to anxiety, a common experience for those who expose their minds and bodies to negative news. Try to limit your news consumption as much as possible, and switch to something more uplifting.

 2) Take a break from your phone and embrace the opportunity to connect with others. As human beings, we thrive and experience joy through meaningful connections. Sharing a cup of tea with a caring friend and exchanging uplifting stories can help calm your nervous system. The more you substitute face-to-face human interaction with phone use, the more isolated you may feel. Isolation can trigger your nervous system to shift into survival mode, while healthy connection with others can help put your nervous system at ease.

 3) Take a moment to track your breathing. Pay attention to your breathing pattern. Do you tend to breathe shallowly, or are you engaging in diaphragmatic breathing? Try taking a few deep breaths and notice how your system responds. Do you feel more relaxed when you focus on your breath as it enters and leaves your body? Being aware of your deep breathing can help ground you in the present moment and support your ANS in shifting to the parasympathetic system.

 4) Treat yourself with kindness and be mindful of the quality of your thoughts. As the Persian poet Rumi puts it, “If your thought is a rose, you are a rose garden; and if your thoughts are thorns, you are just kindling for the bath stove.” How you think directly impacts your well-being. If you fixate on the current political situation, it can cause unnecessary stress and disrupt your sleep. Take a pause to observe the activity of your mind and notice how you're feeling inside. If you detect tension in your body, try focusing on something that helps you feel better. For instance, recall a time when you had fun or take a mindful walk, paying attention to what catches your eye and brings you joy.

 5) You have the power to refuse to focus on toxic political discourse and, instead, choose to notice what uplifts and empowers you. When it comes to where you direct your attention, you are in control. Don’t let anyone hijack your attention span or undermine your ability to thrive. Seek out others who value their mental health and the well-being of their nervous systems, and together, you can embrace what brings you joy while firmly opposing any system of government that threatens your equal rights. You can learn from past generations who managed to stand up for what they believed in while making time for joy. For example, during the height of the AIDS crisis, not only gay men but also other members of the queer community engaged in activism, balancing it with dancing all night to avoid dorsal vagal shutdown. Dorsal vagal shutdown occurs when the body enters a state of extreme collapse or immobility, often as a response to feeling overwhelmed or in danger, and is connected to the body’s "freeze" response.

 6) A simple practice that can help your nervous system shift toward the parasympathetic state is to fully embody positive life events. When you experience something uplifting, make it a habit to feel it in your body. For example, when someone shows you kindness or when you play with your pet, pay attention to how it feels within you. Notice the bodily sensations that arise from these positive moments. You might feel an expansion in your chest or a lightness in your shoulders. The more you bring awareness to these pleasant sensations, the more you support your autonomic nervous system in experiencing safety and achieving regulation.

 7) Practice mindfulness, a valuable tool for anyone who wants to be fully engaged in the present moment. It involves paying attention to whatever is happening right now, using your sensory awareness to stay present. For example, when washing the dishes, notice the feel of the soapy water on your hands. Similarly, paying attention to the sensation of water on your body during a shower or the taste of your food while eating are all ways to be mindfully present. Focusing on the sensations of the moment can help you avoid getting lost in catastrophic political thinking and feeling overwhelmed.

 8) Finally, no matter what political situation is triggering you or making you feel overwhelmed, you have the right to heal from it. Life is meant to be an opportunity for growth, prosperity, and the experience of love and joy—not for living in constant survival mode. Somatic-focused therapy can help release tension from the body and regulate your ANS. You don’t have to face overwhelming situations alone. Reaching out and asking for help is a courageous step toward getting the support you need to cope.

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.