A Prideful Perspective on Growing Up Queer By Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D., SEP

 

Taking pride in our journeys of growing up and discovering our queer essence involves honoring the full diversity of our community. As a member of the LGBTQIA+ family, I cherish this diversity and hold space for those who may not claim the word queer as their own. As a cisgender gay man, I have spent more than three decades gathering the stories of other cisgender gay and queer men—stories woven with sorrow, defiance, tenderness, and fierce love. Through them, I’ve learned that we are a people of resilience, fearless hearts, and boundless compassion. It’s from this well of shared experience that I write. And still, no matter how you name your beautiful essence, may these words remind you to honor the quiet, unyielding courage it took to carry your spirit through the fires of becoming.

In previous articles, I’ve written in depth about the trauma of growing up in a homophobic and transphobic world—a world that often failed to honor our true essence—and the profound impact that has on our lives. By reflecting on the overwhelming experience of identity formation for LGBTQ+ youth who lacked support and faced mistreatment, I invited readers with similar histories to meet their own suffering with greater empathy. One path toward healing from trauma begins by cultivating compassion for the pain we’ve endured.

In this article, I invite readers to reflect not only on the courage it took to survive the challenges of growing up queer but also on the resources that helped them navigate those experiences. One meaningful way to engage with the experience of growing up in a homophobic and transphobic world is by identifying the tools, relationships, and inner strengths that carried us through. This strengths-based approach can help reduce the risk of re-traumatization when dealing with past trauma experiences.

One goal of processing difficult past experiences—often held in the body, including within the autonomic nervous system—is to gently release their hold on us. As we begin the work of letting go of embodied trauma, it's essential to stay grounded in the safety of the present moment. One way to do this is by welcoming the positive emotions that arise from acknowledging our journey toward self-acceptance and equality. By dropping into bodily sensations associated with such acknowledgement, we can create a more compassionate and gentler path toward healing. This isn’t to minimize the reality of today’s anti-LGBTQ+ climate—there is still much work to be done. But recognizing how far we've come and celebrating our progress can be both empowering and a source of hope as we continue on our personal healing journey and strive for greater justice and equality.

Not everyone who grew up queer experienced trauma or mistreatment, and it's important to recognize that. However, for those LGBTQ+ individuals with more positive upbringings, it’s worth exploring how witnessing the mistreatment of other queer youth—whether directly or indirectly, through media, community, or shared stories—might have affected them. Additionally, being raised by loving, supportive parents who assumed their child was straight can create a subtle but meaningful disconnect. Even in caring households, that underlying assumption may feel at odds with a person’s authentic sense of self. Many LGBTQ+ individuals have found it helpful to process these experiences with a trained professional—especially one who is also a member of the community and has done their own personal work around similar dynamics.

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to recognize that trauma is both a biological and physiological response to overwhelming events—not just a psychological one. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score, “trauma lives in the body’s memory, not in the moment that caused it.” Similarly, Peter Levine notes, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” In my training on the impact of trauma on the nervous system, I learned that many queer individuals with a history of trauma often experience a persistent sense of threat, even in the absence of actual danger. This ongoing state of perceived threat is a key component of anxiety. They may become stuck in a chronic fear response, which can manifest as a prolonged state of fight, flight, or freeze. Supporting the nervous system in completing the responses it couldn’t at the time of the trauma can help deactivate this stuck fear response and promote healing.

One gentle way to access trauma stored in the queer body is by cultivating a sense of safety. This can begin by identifying what was—and still is—supportive in relation to being queer. By recalling and tuning into the felt sense of moments when we experienced safety growing up, we can approach trauma with more care and compassion. For example, when I hear stories from gay or queer young people who have endured hateful acts, I often ask: What helped them cope with such overwhelming stress? How did they make it through? Who showed them kindness during that time? Naming what helped them survive not only honors their resilience but also supports the process of gently shifting out of a stuck threat response.

Queer people who grow up in challenging circumstances—especially experiences of homophobia or transphobia—require a safe therapeutic space. In that space, individuals can honor the deep courage it took to survive and begin to see themselves as the heroes of their own stories. Taking this a step further, we might become curious: How does the person’s body respond to being validated as the hero of their own story? What sensations arise as they recall the people, places, or moments that supported them during their upbringing? Do they feel warmth or openness in their chest? Do their shoulders feel lighter? Has their breathing shifted? Is there any change in their vision?

In a safe therapeutic setting, the person recovering from trauma can begin to gently orient to the safety of the present moment as they process and integrate early life experiences. Given my extensive training in the Somatic Experiencing approach to trauma healing, I have learned one way to do this is by pausing and noticing the environment through the senses. This simple act of orienting involves exploring your surroundings—letting your eyes move naturally, turning your head gently, and allowing your gaze to rest on an object for a few moments. When you're ready, you can continue scanning the environment in this mindful way. It can also be helpful to notice what feels pleasant in your surroundings and stay with that experience for as long as it feels supportive. For example, you might see a beautiful tree outside your window. If it feels pleasant, let yourself really notice it and track any corresponding sensations of ease or comfort in your body. Through this practice, the person on a healing journey may begin to cultivate a deeper sense of inner safety, grounding their reflections in the present as they explore and make meaning of the past.

In my work with queer people, I have learned that for some, there were no helpful resources available to cope adequately with the pain and suffering caused by homophobic and transphobic bullying. They cannot recall anyone who offered support or anything that lessened the humiliation they felt for being different. In such cases, the person can be invited to imagine the missing resources and notice what happens internally when they picture having those resources during that time. For example, Lee, a 25-year-old queer nonbinary person, grew up in a small religious community in the Midwest, without the privilege of a queer-friendly environment like Greenwich Village in New York or open-minded parents. They experienced homophobic mistreatment at home and bullying at school. When invited to recall any resources or situations that helped ease their suffering, they could not remember any. Processing their trauma while staying within the trauma vortex—where overwhelming emotions, memories, and sensations make it difficult to function—could have led to re-traumatization. Instead, Lee benefited from imagining the missing resources being available during their childhood. Through their imagination, they pictured RuPaul and an army of drag queens coming to their rescue, freeing them from bullying and humiliation. The bodily sensations that arose from this imaginal experience activated their ventral vagal pathway, creating a state of safety and relaxation. The experience felt profoundly real in their body. For the first time, they experienced the freedom to use imagination as a doorway to transform what they could not change as a child. They were not denying the overwhelming feelings they had growing up, but for the first time, began to experience pleasant sensations that contrasted with the trauma-related feelings. Repeatedly moving between the distress of their past and the safety created through imagination helped regulate their autonomic nervous system, preventing it from becoming stuck in hyperarousal (overwhelm and agitation). This process strengthened their emotional resilience and allowed them to integrate past experiences without re-traumatization.

Unlike Lee, many queer people found helpful resources while growing up, and they needed therapeutic support to tap into the healing power of recalling and embodying those resources. Even Lee needed help to discover how they managed to get through their painful experiences and still be here to talk about them. Later in their therapy, Lee discovered that rocking their body from side to side was a somatic resource that helped them self-soothe and manage anxiety during their childhood. This discovery happened during a session when they were unaware they were rocking as they reflected on their past. By being invited to pause and notice what their body was doing, Lee recognized that this movement had helped them through difficult moments. They took pride in the wisdom of their body for offering a resource when none was available from the outside.

Finally, we live in a world where most of us grew up surrounded by heterosexual indoctrination. For those of us with a queer soul, this often meant having to protect ourselves from its pervasive influence. We sought refuge in the resources available to us and can take pride in the survival skills we developed and the support systems we leaned on to get through. It’s important to recognize the bodily sensations connected to these resources, allowing them to serve as a foundation for whatever may emerge as we continue our healing journeys. Regardless of what caused our trauma, we all have a right to heal. Life is meant to be an opportunity to grow, to love, to experience joy—not a constant reliving of unhealed pain. That’s why somatic-focused trauma therapy is so necessary—not only for LGBTQ+ people, but for anyone living with trauma. It offers a path forward, a way to reconnect with ourselves, and a chance to fully thrive.

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist (https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com)

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida

 

 

When the Need for Connection Trumps Authenticity

As a baby, you were an authentic being. Your laughter and tears were real. You were also helpless and depended on your caregivers for survival. Your caregivers had an important role in helping you feel securely connected to and loved by them. The depth and genuineness of your current connection with others stems from how successfully your caregivers managed their role as an attachment figure. This complex interplay between the quality of attachment formed between a child and a caregiver and one’s current ability to form significant connections with others has been discussed extensively by many experts in psychology, including Dr. Gabor Mate. In one of his talks, Mate has discussed how the need for attachment can trump authenticity. When as a small child, your survival depended on your caregivers, you were more likely to do whatever it took to stay connected to them even if it meant hiding your true feelings. For example, if your caregivers did not approve of your genuine expressions of anger or sadness, most likely you hid them in favor of pleasing or staying connected to your caregivers. In other words, for the sake of survival you had to choose attachment over authenticity.

The impasse of being real versus the need for survival continues into adolescence and creates a unique challenge for gay youth and others who did not flow with the mainstream. As a LGBTQ youngster, if you felt unsafe to express your real essence, you probably had to create a fake or “straight acting” identity to protect yourself from homophobic mistreatment. The need to hide contributed to the dilemma of choosing survival over authenticity. It is important to have empathy for your struggle of growing up in a heterosexist and homophobic environment that made it scary for you to express your true essence. It is important for many LGBTQ people to learn how to honor their true essence and work on healing years of oppressive homophobic mistreatment. The price of not individuating is summed up by a quote by Oscar Wilde, "Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation."

Being real and authentic can be a struggle if you spent most of your childhood finding expression of authenticity as a threat to your survival. What helped you to survive as a child may not serve you today. Relying on the old survival mechanism of pleasing others has become a barrier to be fully present in your significant relationships with others. The process of letting go of such a survival mechanism in favor of honoring your true self involves psychological labor of reaching out to your younger self. The inner child is the part of you that was forced to hide and not show his or her genuine feelings. This part of you needs help to connect with others without the mask of pretending or people pleasing.

In summary, since your ability to be authentic with yourself and others has a lot to do with how you were treated growing up, it makes sense to examine how your past impacts your life today. Psychotherapy can help you not only to heal from childhood mistreatment that can hinder building healthy relationships with others, but also other major life events that contributes to such problems.

For more articles by Dr. Payam, please click on the following link:  https://drpayam.com/articles_and_book

 

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), somatic experiencing practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), and artist (https://somaticalivenessart.etsy.com).
 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

Personal Myth

For over twenty-five years, I have been listening to life stories of many incredible people. It is part of my job.  Many people might think I am listening to their problems, but I hear stories. People who come to me are brave storytellers. It is a privilege to hear a personal mythology that has never been shared before. There are times when someone’s story is a mixture of broken pieces of tragedies and losses. No matter how fragmented and tragic a person’s story, I know there is a hero somewhere in it, waiting to be validated. I view psychotherapy as a place of storytelling where a fragmented tale can be weaved into a hero’s journey, and help people feel proud of their resiliency and courage to survive. This is how people become mythical beings. Often the emotional wounds begin to heal once the personal narrative finds a voice.

Sometimes the stories are forgotten, or filled with emotional intensity that is too painful to share. It is not easy to share narratives that have been captive by fear and shame in the dark corner of one’s memory. I empathized with how hard it must be to liberate a personal story that is filled with tragedies. Perhaps, the story was shared once before, and the storyteller did not receive the empathy she or he deserved. With the help of a caring listener, private life stories can see the light of consciousness. Sometimes a person’s sense of wellbeing depends on transforming painful untold stories into to healing narratives.

What happens to those banned stories that don’t break away from the basement of one’s repression? It is not uncommon for emotionally injurious life events to get pushed out of the realm of awareness. But they do find a back door to escape. Those forbidden tales find expression through reenactment which is unconscious compulsion to repeat the traumatic past. I sometimes notice an unhealthy pattern of behaviors in people’s lives correlates with their unexamined past histories.  Once the tale of mistreatment is empathized with, reflected upon, and understood, it often leads to insight and behavioral change. People do not have to recreate their history of mistreatment. It is hopeful to know that illuminating significant life events to gain insight, and find meaning in them can be a liberating experience.

There are times that one’s personal story is filled with so many atrocities that sharing them can feel re-traumatizing. Sharing one’s traumatic tale needs to be done with the help of a trained counselor. It takes special clinical skills to help someone not only find a channel to release the untold story but reveal the truth of what one endured. During one’s psychotherapy process, the untold or forgotten personal story can be conveyed through dream analysis, bodily sensations (somatic psychotherapy), dance movements, psychodrama, drawings, sand tray images, paintings, journaling, and other channels of expression. We are living in an exciting time in which healing counseling tools are available to people.

Not all personal stories involve devastation. Life stories that involve joy, accomplishments, and overcoming obstacles need to be embraced as well. Such uplifting legends can be life affirming and lead to feelings of gratitude. Having a balanced view on life experiences can add harmony to one’s life. We all carry special stories that once acknowledged and understood can add meaning to our lives and inspire others. Everyone deserves to be heard and deeply understood. 

For more articles by Dr. Payam, please click on the following link:  https://drpayam.com/articles_and_book

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), somatic experiencing practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), and artist (https://somaticalivenessart.etsy.com).
 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

Goal Oriented Psychotherapy Practice

Goal Oriented Psychotherapy Practice

By

Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.

There are number of ways to conduct psychotherapy sessions that can be helpful in meeting the client’s needs and matches the therapist’s style. A goal oriented psychotherapy practice which utilizes a goal setting method is one way to practice psychotherapy. This is a collaborative process that clarifies what the client would like to accomplish during his or her psychotherapy process. Goal setting also helps with constructing a vision of life as it relates to each person’s unique circumstances. Some goals relate to the betterment of one’s external life such as career, finances, education, relationship, and health. Other goals can be about exploring one’s inner world and working toward inner balance, deepening the relationship with the Self, accessing one’s creativity, healing from trauma, and improving mood. These are small examples of common goals clients bring to their psychotherapist which can add clarity to the process.

 In general, working on establishing decisive goals for one’s life can help increase motivation and avoid getting lost. People often feel more motivated in life when they have a sense of purpose, and goal setting can give them such a sense. In addition to helping with motivation, goal setting can improve self-confidence. It affirms the fact that one’s life is worthy to have goals, and the attainment of them helps believing in oneself. I find it extremely rewarding when my clients express joy for progressing toward their goals or attaining them.

Writing down goals in positive language, practicing patience in achieving them, and keeping them manageable for the client are part of the goal setting process. Establishing goals in an affirmative manner can help generate positive emotion to support their attainment. Also, while practicing patience avoids unrealistic expectations in attainment of one’s goals, the process needs to be time-bound. Since every client’s circumstances are unique, it is important to respect people’s time table while collaborating with them in creating target dates. Moreover, goals need to be manageable to avoid making the client feel overwhelmed. The more specific the goal the more manageable it becomes. In some cases, it is important to help the client prioritize their objectives and work on one goal at the time.

Therapists can help clients feel less alone in achieving their goals. This can be done by working with them to identify resources in their lives and in their communities. I often find it helpful to provide a list of community resources to clients who have difficulty obtaining them. For example, a client who is unemployed and can’t afford accessing the internet might find it useful to know about the free internet access at the West Hollywood library.

Finally, those individuals who have difficulty setting decisive goals can benefit from depth oriented psychotherapy which tends to look for unconscious elements that can get in the way of having a clear direction in life. I find helping people to understand their life challenges on a deeper level very useful. No one deserves to feel shame for his or her difficulty in establishing clear goals and having empathy for such struggle is essential. When it comes to practicing psychotherapy, one size does not fit all. Therapists can be flexible in offering modalities that meet the client where they are. 

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

Fruit Basket: A Gay Man's Journey

Fruit Basket

by

Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.

People don't need to travel to exotic places to begin a process of self-reflection. Personal growth is accessible to anyone who is willing to embrace curiosity and engage in self-discovery. In this book, Fruit Basket, I share the psycho-spiritual journey of a gay man named Javid, in which he struggles with homophobia and having a life purpose. When Javid has his last struggle with vanity and begins to dance to a more meaningful tune, his life grows in favor of depth. 

This book is available on Amazon and Smashwords:

Amazon

Createspace

Smashwords

I hope you enjoy reading it.

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

A Brief Reflection on Climate Change

A Brief Reflection on Climate Change

By Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.

More people are worried about climate change and its devastating impact on their lives than ever before. Many of us have seen the horrible images of weather-related catastrophes on the news. These images are sad to watch because they reflect how the mistreatment of the planet and exploitation of its natural resources has contributed to the problem of climate change. 

Many politicians and policy makers who don’t believe in the science of climate change often deny the fact that the greenhouse effect adds to the concentration of carbon dioxide in the Earth's atmosphere, and this is one the major reasons why we are experiencing more weather-related problems. We are being warned by many scientists that life as we know it today is changing. Our ecosystem is being ruined by oil spills, pollution, resource exploitation, and other destructive acts. With our ecosystem in crisis, we need to put the “planet before profit.” Those of us who hear the cry of the Earth cannot ignore the pain that has been inflicted on the planet by greed driven consumerism. Since not enough is being done to protect the planet from exploitation, we all need to get ready for an unknown future.    

No one can predict with certainty what ten years from now is going to look like. There are scientists who believe we are passed the tipping point. Those of us who love and respect the Earth and witness its torment can no longer count on politicians to save our ecosystem or prevent further environmental damage. Humanity cannot solve this problem with the same consciousness that created it. It is time to embrace a new way of dealing with climate change that involves relating to the Earth as a living being with a soul. The Earth is alive and in need of love. We can love the Earth by keeping it in our hearts during meditation. By going within and practicing meditation with the soul of the planet in our hearts, we can trigger a healing energy that can love the Earth back to health.

We need to look deep within our own hearts and look for a new light that can guide us out of the impending doom of climate change. In such a hopeless situation we need to ask for a miracle and open our hearts to a power beyond our ordinary consciousness. 

Here is the link to Love the Earth Meditation:

https://insighttimer.com/deeplyqueer/guided-meditations/love-the-earth-meditation

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

LGBT Suicide and the Trauma of Growing Up Gay

By

Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D.

Listen to this article

        As a mental health counselor for the past twenty years, I have listened to many painful stories from some of my lesbian and gay clients regarding their upbringing in a homophobic and heterosexist world. Many of my gay and lesbian clients, including a number of bisexual and transgender individuals, have shared with me that as young as age five, they felt different. They were unable to articulate why they felt different, and, at the same time, they were too afraid to talk about it. Many reported that they knew this feeling of being different was related to something forbidden. “It felt like keeping a tormenting secret that I could not even understand,” described one of my gay clients. Others shared with me that this feeling of difference revealed itself in the form of gender nonconformity, which could not be kept secret. Therefore, it made them more vulnerable to homophobic and transphobic mistreatment at school and often at home. They had to cope with a daily assault of shame and humiliation without any support.

The experience of carrying a sense of differentness, because it related to some of the most taboo and despised images in our culture, can leave traumatic scars on one’s psyche. Most school-age children organize their school experience around the notion of not coming across as queer. Any school-age child’s worst nightmare is being called faggot or dyke, which is commonly experienced by many children who do not flow with the mainstream. One gay high school student disclosed to me that, on average, he hears more than twenty homophobic remarks a day. Schools can feel like a scary place for LGBT children, or any child who gets scapegoated as queer. For the most part, LGBT kids do not get any protection from school officials. This is a form of child abuse on a collective level. Mistreatment of LGBT youth and a lack of protection are contributing factors to the issue of LGBT teen suicide.

 The feeling of differentness as it relates to being gay or lesbian is too complex for any child to process and make sense of, especially when coupled with external attacks in the form of homophobic, derogatory name calling. Unlike a black child whose parents are typically also black, or a Jewish child with Jewish parents and relatives, the LGBT youth typically does not have gay or lesbian parents or anyone who could mirror his or her experience. In fact, many families tend to blame the mistreated LGBT youngster for not being like everyone else, making the child feel like he or she deserves this mistreatment.

When parents are either unable or unwilling to “feel and see” the world through the eyes of their child and do not provide a reflection that makes the child feel valued, that child can not develop a strong sense of self. Faced with isolation, confusion, humiliation, physical violence, not being valued in the eyes of their parents, and carrying a secret that the youngster connects with something terrible and unthinkable is too stressful for any child to endure – especially when there is no empathic other to help him or her to sort it out. The youngster suffers in silence and might use dissociation to cope. In a worst-case scenario, he or she could commit suicide.

Many LGBT youth who found the courage to open up about their identity issues have experienced rejection from their families and peers. Some families treat such disclosures as bringing shame on the family. They may throw their kid out of the house, which forces the youngster to join the growing population of homeless kids on the street.

The stress of trying to come to terms with a complex matter such as same sex attraction, one’s family’s rejection as a result of finding out about same sex attraction, and becoming victimized through verbal and physical abuse by peers due to being different are contributing factors to the trauma of growing up gay or lesbian. Such traumatic experiences can explain why lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth are up to four times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual peers. Suicide attempts by LGBT youth are their desperate attempts to escape the traumatic process of growing up queer.

Those of us who survived the trauma of growing up queer without adequate support and managed to reach adulthood can benefit by becoming conscious of our internalized homophobia. When a gay or lesbian youngster experiences humiliation every school day for being different and has no one to protect them, that child can develop internalized homophobia. Internalized homophobia is internalization of shame and hatred that gay and lesbian people were forced to experience. The seed of internalized homophobia is planted at an early age. Having one’s psyche contaminated by the shadow of internalized homophobia can result in low self-esteem and other problems later in life. Bisexual and transgender youngsters can also internalize the hatred they had to endure growing up, and may develop self-hatred.

To not deal with internalized homophobia is to ignore the wreckage of the past. Psychological injuries that were inflicted on LGBT people as result of growing up in a homophobic and heterosexist world need to be addressed. Each time a LGBT youngster was insulted or attacked for being different, such attacks left scars on his or her soul. Such violent mistreatment caused many to develop feelings of inferiority.

Life after the closet needs to include coming out of toxic shame, which means becoming aware of repressed or disassociated memories and feelings around homophobic mistreatment that was experienced growing up. All the rejection and derogatory name-calling one suffered growing up queer can be stored in the psyche in the form of implicit memory: a type of memory that impacts one’s life without one noticing it or consciously knowing its origin. Coming out of toxic shame involves recalling and sharing what it felt like growing up in a world that did not respect one’s identity, fully feeling the injustice of it. Providing empathy and unconditional positive regard for the fact that one has endured many years of confusion, shame, fear, and homophobic mistreatment can give birth to new feelings of pride and honor about one’s LGBT identity. This is an alchemical process that involves transforming painful emotions through love and empathy.

 As a community, learning to know ourselves can add vitality to our struggle for freedom. The LGBT liberation movement should not only include fighting for our equal rights, but also working through the injuries that were inflicted on us while growing up queer in a heterosexist world. External changes such as marriage equality or the repeal of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell policy alone cannot heal us from homophobic mistreatment and rejection we received growing up gay or lesbian.


We need to open a new psychological frontier and take our struggle for freedom to a new level. The gay civil rights movement is like a bird that needs two wings to fly, not just one. So far, the political wing has been the main carrier of this movement. By adding psychological healing work as the other wing, the bird of gay liberty can reach even greater heights.

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

The Balancing Act of Sexual Desire

The Balancing Act of Sexual Desire

By

Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.

Given many gay men have received negative messages about their sexual desire growing up, addressing the issue of sexual compulsion needs to be done delicately and carefully without reinforcing shame or internalized homophobia. There is a developing need to address the issue of sexual compulsion, and helping people to fulfil their sexual desire in concert with consciousness and balance. Denying and repressing sexual desire is not a helpful way to cope with any sexually related issue. The balancing act of sexual desire involves expressing your sexuality in a way that does not leave you feeling empty and destitute.

When sexual gratification becomes your exaggerated area of focus, you can become a slave of sexual desire. When your relationship to sex is dominated by an endless desire for hooking up without any regard for how it can affect you and others, you are not in control. Such loss of control can have damaging life consequences which include contracting a sexually transmitted illness, damaging one’s relationships, jeopardizing one’s career, legal problems, and loss of self-respect. Being in denial about your relationship to sex can make it difficult to seek help. Bringing consciousness to your choices about sex can lead to healthy sexuality.

An important step toward liberating yourself from the bondage of any damaging behaviors is by focusing on growing bigger than the problem. As Carl Jung stated, “We don’t solve our problems, we outgrow them.”  You can do this by focusing on personal growth and expanding your consciousness. There are many paths you can take to evolve beyond your problems and psychotherapy is one of them. Psychotherapy might be what you need to bring a balancing act in your relationship to your sexual expression. It takes courage to face life challenges including addictive behaviors of any sort and cultivate new coping skills. In addition to counseling, there are many community based groups including SCA (Sexually Compulsive Anonymous) that can support you on your journey toward recovering from sexual choices that make you feel bad about yourself.

Sex fulfills different functions for different people. You might turn to sex to numb yourself from painful emotions. Substituting sex for dealing with life problems is not going to make those problems go away. No one said life was going to be easy and free from difficulties. You can learn to face life and expand your “window of tolerance” when it comes to feeling your feelings. The life damaging consequences of any addiction is far more painful than embracing your uncomfortable emotions. It takes psychological and spiritual labor to develop a conscious relationship to your erotic desires and how to go about expressing them.

When you prioritize sex as your most important need and pursue it in an excessive amount, it can indicate that you don’t have something more purposeful in life to focus on. When you began to give up your pathological relationship to sex, you need something better in its place to enrich your life. Giving up anything life damaging and time consuming provides you with free time to pursue something worthier. By embracing your feeling of curiosity, you can explore new activities and life purpose and add more meaning to your life. With the support of counseling, community based support groups, and your own will power, you can focus on something bigger and more meaningful in life than being preoccupied with sex.

For more articles by Dr. Payam, please click on the following link:  https://drpayam.com/articles_and_book

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.