A Prideful Perspective on Growing Up Queer By Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D., SEP

 

Taking pride in our journeys of growing up and discovering our queer essence involves honoring the full diversity of our community. As a member of the LGBTQIA+ family, I cherish this diversity and hold space for those who may not claim the word queer as their own. As a cisgender gay man, I have spent more than three decades gathering the stories of other cisgender gay and queer men—stories woven with sorrow, defiance, tenderness, and fierce love. Through them, I’ve learned that we are a people of resilience, fearless hearts, and boundless compassion. It’s from this well of shared experience that I write. And still, no matter how you name your beautiful essence, may these words remind you to honor the quiet, unyielding courage it took to carry your spirit through the fires of becoming.

In previous articles, I’ve written in depth about the trauma of growing up in a homophobic and transphobic world—a world that often failed to honor our true essence—and the profound impact that has on our lives. By reflecting on the overwhelming experience of identity formation for LGBTQ+ youth who lacked support and faced mistreatment, I invited readers with similar histories to meet their own suffering with greater empathy. One path toward healing from trauma begins by cultivating compassion for the pain we’ve endured.

In this article, I invite readers to reflect not only on the courage it took to survive the challenges of growing up queer but also on the resources that helped them navigate those experiences. One meaningful way to engage with the experience of growing up in a homophobic and transphobic world is by identifying the tools, relationships, and inner strengths that carried us through. This strengths-based approach can help reduce the risk of re-traumatization when dealing with past trauma experiences.

One goal of processing difficult past experiences—often held in the body, including within the autonomic nervous system—is to gently release their hold on us. As we begin the work of letting go of embodied trauma, it's essential to stay grounded in the safety of the present moment. One way to do this is by welcoming the positive emotions that arise from acknowledging our journey toward self-acceptance and equality. By dropping into bodily sensations associated with such acknowledgement, we can create a more compassionate and gentler path toward healing. This isn’t to minimize the reality of today’s anti-LGBTQ+ climate—there is still much work to be done. But recognizing how far we've come and celebrating our progress can be both empowering and a source of hope as we continue on our personal healing journey and strive for greater justice and equality.

Not everyone who grew up queer experienced trauma or mistreatment, and it's important to recognize that. However, for those LGBTQ+ individuals with more positive upbringings, it’s worth exploring how witnessing the mistreatment of other queer youth—whether directly or indirectly, through media, community, or shared stories—might have affected them. Additionally, being raised by loving, supportive parents who assumed their child was straight can create a subtle but meaningful disconnect. Even in caring households, that underlying assumption may feel at odds with a person’s authentic sense of self. Many LGBTQ+ individuals have found it helpful to process these experiences with a trained professional—especially one who is also a member of the community and has done their own personal work around similar dynamics.

When it comes to healing from trauma, it's important to recognize that trauma is both a biological and physiological response to overwhelming events—not just a psychological one. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk explains in The Body Keeps the Score, “trauma lives in the body’s memory, not in the moment that caused it.” Similarly, Peter Levine notes, “Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” In my training on the impact of trauma on the nervous system, I learned that many queer individuals with a history of trauma often experience a persistent sense of threat, even in the absence of actual danger. This ongoing state of perceived threat is a key component of anxiety. They may become stuck in a chronic fear response, which can manifest as a prolonged state of fight, flight, or freeze. Supporting the nervous system in completing the responses it couldn’t at the time of the trauma can help deactivate this stuck fear response and promote healing.

One gentle way to access trauma stored in the queer body is by cultivating a sense of safety. This can begin by identifying what was—and still is—supportive in relation to being queer. By recalling and tuning into the felt sense of moments when we experienced safety growing up, we can approach trauma with more care and compassion. For example, when I hear stories from gay or queer young people who have endured hateful acts, I often ask: What helped them cope with such overwhelming stress? How did they make it through? Who showed them kindness during that time? Naming what helped them survive not only honors their resilience but also supports the process of gently shifting out of a stuck threat response.

Queer people who grow up in challenging circumstances—especially experiences of homophobia or transphobia—require a safe therapeutic space. In that space, individuals can honor the deep courage it took to survive and begin to see themselves as the heroes of their own stories. Taking this a step further, we might become curious: How does the person’s body respond to being validated as the hero of their own story? What sensations arise as they recall the people, places, or moments that supported them during their upbringing? Do they feel warmth or openness in their chest? Do their shoulders feel lighter? Has their breathing shifted? Is there any change in their vision?

In a safe therapeutic setting, the person recovering from trauma can begin to gently orient to the safety of the present moment as they process and integrate early life experiences. Given my extensive training in the Somatic Experiencing approach to trauma healing, I have learned one way to do this is by pausing and noticing the environment through the senses. This simple act of orienting involves exploring your surroundings—letting your eyes move naturally, turning your head gently, and allowing your gaze to rest on an object for a few moments. When you're ready, you can continue scanning the environment in this mindful way. It can also be helpful to notice what feels pleasant in your surroundings and stay with that experience for as long as it feels supportive. For example, you might see a beautiful tree outside your window. If it feels pleasant, let yourself really notice it and track any corresponding sensations of ease or comfort in your body. Through this practice, the person on a healing journey may begin to cultivate a deeper sense of inner safety, grounding their reflections in the present as they explore and make meaning of the past.

In my work with queer people, I have learned that for some, there were no helpful resources available to cope adequately with the pain and suffering caused by homophobic and transphobic bullying. They cannot recall anyone who offered support or anything that lessened the humiliation they felt for being different. In such cases, the person can be invited to imagine the missing resources and notice what happens internally when they picture having those resources during that time. For example, Lee, a 25-year-old queer nonbinary person, grew up in a small religious community in the Midwest, without the privilege of a queer-friendly environment like Greenwich Village in New York or open-minded parents. They experienced homophobic mistreatment at home and bullying at school. When invited to recall any resources or situations that helped ease their suffering, they could not remember any. Processing their trauma while staying within the trauma vortex—where overwhelming emotions, memories, and sensations make it difficult to function—could have led to re-traumatization. Instead, Lee benefited from imagining the missing resources being available during their childhood. Through their imagination, they pictured RuPaul and an army of drag queens coming to their rescue, freeing them from bullying and humiliation. The bodily sensations that arose from this imaginal experience activated their ventral vagal pathway, creating a state of safety and relaxation. The experience felt profoundly real in their body. For the first time, they experienced the freedom to use imagination as a doorway to transform what they could not change as a child. They were not denying the overwhelming feelings they had growing up, but for the first time, began to experience pleasant sensations that contrasted with the trauma-related feelings. Repeatedly moving between the distress of their past and the safety created through imagination helped regulate their autonomic nervous system, preventing it from becoming stuck in hyperarousal (overwhelm and agitation). This process strengthened their emotional resilience and allowed them to integrate past experiences without re-traumatization.

Unlike Lee, many queer people found helpful resources while growing up, and they needed therapeutic support to tap into the healing power of recalling and embodying those resources. Even Lee needed help to discover how they managed to get through their painful experiences and still be here to talk about them. Later in their therapy, Lee discovered that rocking their body from side to side was a somatic resource that helped them self-soothe and manage anxiety during their childhood. This discovery happened during a session when they were unaware they were rocking as they reflected on their past. By being invited to pause and notice what their body was doing, Lee recognized that this movement had helped them through difficult moments. They took pride in the wisdom of their body for offering a resource when none was available from the outside.

Finally, we live in a world where most of us grew up surrounded by heterosexual indoctrination. For those of us with a queer soul, this often meant having to protect ourselves from its pervasive influence. We sought refuge in the resources available to us and can take pride in the survival skills we developed and the support systems we leaned on to get through. It’s important to recognize the bodily sensations connected to these resources, allowing them to serve as a foundation for whatever may emerge as we continue our healing journeys. Regardless of what caused our trauma, we all have a right to heal. Life is meant to be an opportunity to grow, to love, to experience joy—not a constant reliving of unhealed pain. That’s why somatic-focused trauma therapy is so necessary—not only for LGBTQ+ people, but for anyone living with trauma. It offers a path forward, a way to reconnect with ourselves, and a chance to fully thrive.

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist (https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com)

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida

 

 

Goal Achievement Made Simple

Having a clear sense of purpose can significantly enhance your motivation in life, and goal setting is a powerful way to cultivate that purpose. By setting clear, actionable goals, you can maintain focus and avoid feeling lost. Many successful people have clear goals and follow sensible plans to achieve them. Goal Achievement Made Simple is designed to help you set meaningful goals and provides manageable steps to help you bring those goals to life.

You might find it easier to focus on one goal at a time. However, if you choose to pursue multiple goals, simply apply the Goal Achievement Made Simple process separately to each one. By following each simple step, you’ll be on your way to achieving your objectives.

The link provided on this page will direct you to a site where you can learn more about obtaining the printable PDF of Goal Achievement Made Simple. This popular and simple 5-page goal-setting and action plan PDF makes the process of achieving your goals more accessible. Based on feedback from psychotherapists, coaches, teachers, artists, business professionals, people with ADHD, and writers who have used Goal Achievement Made Simple, it’s highly likely you will benefit from it too.

The process has been kept concise to avoid overwhelming you with excessive affirmations, to-do lists, or unnecessary tasks. Achieving your goals requires focusing on positive emotions and beliefs, so you are encouraged to stay optimistic and seek out resources that support your journey.

The time to work toward your desired outcome is now. Imagine the joy of achieving what you truly desire. Follow the link to learn more about how to obtain the 5-page Goal Achievement Made Simple printable PDF. 

Managing Nervous System Dysregulation Amid the Storm of Political Turmoil by Payam Ghassemlou MFT, Ph.D., SEP

 

You are not alone. Across the globe, hearts and minds stir in response to the political winds sweeping through the U.S. In my conversations with Americans and voices from distant shores alike, I hear a shared unease about democracy's fragile future. No matter where you stand on the political spectrum, it’s hard to escape the weight of a world in turmoil. Your nervous system inevitably reacts to the upheaval. The threads of mental health and political tension are intricately woven together, especially for marginalized communities—people of color, women, and LGBTQ+ individuals—who bear the brunt of discrimination and the steady erosion of freedoms.

Taking a somatic approach to navigating the current political tensions involves recognizing the role of the autonomic nervous system (ANS). The ANS, a key part of the central nervous system, governs our fight, flight, or freeze responses, and plays a central role in our sense of safety, connection with others, and ability to recover from overwhelming experiences. To maintain your well-being in these unprecedented times, it's crucial to learn how to manage your nervous system activations and become your own protective container. Your body can serve as this container—a vessel in which you can settle and access a sense of safety. A settled body becomes a resource that can support you through turbulent times, including political unrest. I encourage you to explore the strategies outlined below, which can support your ANS toward safety and regulation, ultimately activating the parasympathetic nervous system.

 1) Your nervous system is constantly responding to your news consumption. Sensational headlines, emotionally charged stories, and captivating images all impact both your body and mind. Many TV networks are run by people who have perfected the art of hooking viewers by creating a sense of urgency and fear. They essentially take their audience on a roller coaster ride without them even realizing it. This daily emotional upheaval can lead to anxiety, a common experience for those who expose their minds and bodies to negative news. Try to limit your news consumption as much as possible, and switch to something more uplifting.

 2) Take a break from your phone and embrace the opportunity to connect with others. As human beings, we thrive and experience joy through meaningful connections. Sharing a cup of tea with a caring friend and exchanging uplifting stories can help calm your nervous system. The more you substitute face-to-face human interaction with phone use, the more isolated you may feel. Isolation can trigger your nervous system to shift into survival mode, while healthy connection with others can help put your nervous system at ease.

 3) Take a moment to track your breathing. Pay attention to your breathing pattern. Do you tend to breathe shallowly, or are you engaging in diaphragmatic breathing? Try taking a few deep breaths and notice how your system responds. Do you feel more relaxed when you focus on your breath as it enters and leaves your body? Being aware of your deep breathing can help ground you in the present moment and support your ANS in shifting to the parasympathetic system.

 4) Treat yourself with kindness and be mindful of the quality of your thoughts. As the Persian poet Rumi puts it, “If your thought is a rose, you are a rose garden; and if your thoughts are thorns, you are just kindling for the bath stove.” How you think directly impacts your well-being. If you fixate on the current political situation, it can cause unnecessary stress and disrupt your sleep. Take a pause to observe the activity of your mind and notice how you're feeling inside. If you detect tension in your body, try focusing on something that helps you feel better. For instance, recall a time when you had fun or take a mindful walk, paying attention to what catches your eye and brings you joy.

 5) You have the power to refuse to focus on toxic political discourse and, instead, choose to notice what uplifts and empowers you. When it comes to where you direct your attention, you are in control. Don’t let anyone hijack your attention span or undermine your ability to thrive. Seek out others who value their mental health and the well-being of their nervous systems, and together, you can embrace what brings you joy while firmly opposing any system of government that threatens your equal rights. You can learn from past generations who managed to stand up for what they believed in while making time for joy. For example, during the height of the AIDS crisis, not only gay men but also other members of the queer community engaged in activism, balancing it with dancing all night to avoid dorsal vagal shutdown. Dorsal vagal shutdown occurs when the body enters a state of extreme collapse or immobility, often as a response to feeling overwhelmed or in danger, and is connected to the body’s "freeze" response.

 6) A simple practice that can help your nervous system shift toward the parasympathetic state is to fully embody positive life events. When you experience something uplifting, make it a habit to feel it in your body. For example, when someone shows you kindness or when you play with your pet, pay attention to how it feels within you. Notice the bodily sensations that arise from these positive moments. You might feel an expansion in your chest or a lightness in your shoulders. The more you bring awareness to these pleasant sensations, the more you support your autonomic nervous system in experiencing safety and achieving regulation.

 7) Practice mindfulness, a valuable tool for anyone who wants to be fully engaged in the present moment. It involves paying attention to whatever is happening right now, using your sensory awareness to stay present. For example, when washing the dishes, notice the feel of the soapy water on your hands. Similarly, paying attention to the sensation of water on your body during a shower or the taste of your food while eating are all ways to be mindfully present. Focusing on the sensations of the moment can help you avoid getting lost in catastrophic political thinking and feeling overwhelmed.

 8) Finally, no matter what political situation is triggering you or making you feel overwhelmed, you have the right to heal from it. Life is meant to be an opportunity for growth, prosperity, and the experience of love and joy—not for living in constant survival mode. Somatic-focused therapy can help release tension from the body and regulate your ANS. You don’t have to face overwhelming situations alone. Reaching out and asking for help is a courageous step toward getting the support you need to cope.

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://SomaticAlivenessArt.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

Somatic Focused Trauma Therapy: You Have a Right to Heal by Payam Ghassemlou MFT, SEP, Ph.D.

For anyone who might be new to the body-inclusive psychotherapy method, below you will find a summary of a case that shows the effectiveness of this approach. This case also reveals how, as a licensed Marriage and Family therapist, my psychotherapy practice is inspired by my training in Somatic Experiencing® (SE), which was founded by Peter A. Levine, Ph.D. His curiosity about animals in the wild getting exposed to life-threating situations without getting PTSD while humans frequently succumb to this disorder was the start of SE’s development. SE is a body first approach that helps people discover where they are stuck in the fight, flight, or freeze responses, and how they can “resolve these fixated physiological states.”

SE is a powerful trauma healing medium that includes working with sensations, movements, postures, and gestures as a way of deepening resilience and to reset the nervous system. According to Dr. Levine, the autonomic nervous system (ANS) can become dysregulated due to “the thwarted responses of fight, flight, or freeze” in the aftermath of trauma. A body-oriented approach like SE can help stop trauma become “a life sentence” through “gently releasing thwarted survival energy bound in the body.” To do this, Dr. Levine developed SIBAM as a method to accurately track a client’s inner experiences. In his writings, he described SIBAM as an acronym for “Sensation (Internal-Interoceptive), Image, Behavior (both voluntary and involuntary), Affect (feelings and emotions) and Meaning (including old/traumatic beliefs and new perceptions). These five elements are the channels of experience that occur during a session.”

As you read this case, please note identifying information has been changed to protect confidentiality*. Xavier (pseudonym) is a 35-year-old cis gay man, and a person of color who started to see me to deal with anxiety and work-related stress. He has a history of trauma due to homophobic mistreatment, racial injustice, growing up poor in an impoverished neighborhood, and dealing with alcoholic parents.

After obtaining Xavier’s consent to offer body-inclusive psychotherapy and establishing therapeutic alliance, I started to educate him about the working of the nervous system, and the benefits of a bottom-up approach in therapy. Educating clients about a bottom-up approach, and the basic working of the nervous system can help enhance and clarify the somatic focused therapy process. Clients can benefit from knowing that relying on the thinking brain (a top-down process) as the only path to deal with the root cause of trauma symptoms is not enough to resolve trauma related symptoms. The parts of the brain that are responsible for reflexes, memories, and automatic survival responses are in its deeper regions, and trauma informed therapy needs to involve focusing on those areas.

I also encouraged Xavier to read Waking the Tiger by Dr. Levine, which was a helpful adjunct to his therapy process. It gave him a better understanding of the SE informed therapy process. In general, inviting clients to read books and articles on somatic focused therapy process can demystify the process and help with establishing trust.

My training in SE helped me notice Xavier’s nervous system is stuck on “low,” or hypo-arousal, and when faced with stress, he defaults to shutting down. For example, since he has been promoted to the lead designer at his industrial design job, he often feels overwhelmed dealing with “difficult” colleagues. SE stabilizing techniques have helped Xavier avoid staying stuck in a shutting down mode. One time during the practice of orienting to the environment, he noticed his dog sleeping in the corner of his home office. His dog is a helpful resource and brings him joy. I invited Xavier to track pleasant sensations in relation to noticing his beloved dog. He reported sensing openness in his chest, relaxation in his jaw, and clearer vision. This practice of orienting to the environment by pausing and noticing his surroundings through one or more senses became part of his somatic tool kit. This practice is one of the stabilizing techniques that I often use to support my clients’ nervous system regulation.

To explain it in more detail, orienting to the environment includes the exploratory act of pausing and gently taking in what’s around you. You can let your eyes go wherever they want to go while moving your head gently. You can let your eyes rest on an object for a few seconds, and, when you feel ready, continue with the exploratory practice until you are ready to stop. I often found it helpful to invite clients to notice what they sense as pleasant in their environments and stay with that experience as long as it feels right for them. Xavier, and many other queer trauma survivors, can benefit from introducing their nervous system to uplifting experiences which is contradictory to the experience of the trauma they had to endure. This can help stop letting one’s trauma become a life sentence.

Regarding his work stress, in particular the responsibility of being the lead designer, Xavier has found the concept of under-coupling very useful. By learning about coupling dynamics, in particular under-coupling, Xavier noticed he often underestimates the sense of accomplishment and pride that goes with his advancement of becoming the lead designer. The promotion increased his income, helped him learn more design skills, and freed him from doing many “boring” work related tasks. Up to this point, he did not make a positive association with it. He mainly focused on the burden of having to oversee more employees. When I invite him to identify what feels good about his promotion, he often reports feeling more relaxed and happier after describing it.

As I stated earlier, Xavier has a history of trauma. To avoid the risk of re-traumatizing Xavier by encouraging him to share in detail about his past traumatic events, I used the titration method. Titration is done very gradually to ensure that the trauma narrative does not retraumatize a client. Processing small bits of his painful story at the time and gently revisiting remembered sensations in his body helped Xavier avoid getting overwhelmed or re-traumatized. By holding a safe space and using the titration method, he has been able to uncover bodily sensations associated with his past traumatic experiences. By letting the sensations move through his body, he has been able to release stored trauma energy through crying, shakes, and trembling. This particular release of tension, stress, and trauma can happen during somatic focused therapy. Such an experience helped Xavier have a deeper awareness of his body-mind connection and improved his ability to release and regulate his emotions. Since our work together, he feels less bothered by his past negative circumstances.

Attending some of Dr. Levine’s seminars in Los Angeles, and online, I have learned, “Trauma originates in the nervous system, not the event.” For many queer trauma survivors like Xavier whose thinking brain gets hijacked by trauma memories and their bodies default to a freeze response, a body-centered approach or bottom-up processing is necessary to work with their arousal systems. Previous homophobic mistreatment can cause many queer people like Xavier to feel unsafe even where there is no real threat. What many trauma survivors hold inside in the aftermath of trauma can cause them to overreact in a safe environment or not react correctly in a dangerous situation. A body inclusive therapy can help heal such neuroceptive (a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges) conditioning and support the ANS to move out of a dysregulated state into a biological state of safety and connection.

After Xavier accomplished his counseling goals, he stopped feeling anxious, his relationship to his job improved, and he was able to meet less frequently for therapy. He has benefited from occasional booster sessions to receive additional support to resolve his life and work-related challenges.

No matter what situation caused one’s trauma, everyone, including Xavier, has a right to heal from it. Life is meant to be an opportunity to grow, prosper, and experience love and joy. Not a constant re-living of one’s unhealed traumas. That is why somatic focused trauma therapy is so necessary to help not only LGBTQ+ people like Xavier but also anyone who is suffering from trauma to reach their full potential.

*Names and other details have been changed in respect for privacy and confidentiality.

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), Somatic Experiencing Practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), writer (https://www.drpayam.com/articles_and_book) ,and artist

(https://somaticalivenessart.etsy.com).

 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

Earth, Love, Breath

 

Breathing with the awareness that we are connected to all living beings including the Earth is a fundamental practice in many spiritual traditions. For me, such awareness is an opportunity to connect with the soul of the world (Anima Mundi) on a deeper level. In one of the spiritual practices that I follow, I bring awareness to the space between the in-breath and the out-breath. Noticing and infusing this space with feelings of love and gratitude for life is how I can magnetize my inhalation and exhalation with an appreciation for the sacred nature of life. This practice can also impact the state of my autonomic nervous system (ANS). It provides a shift toward my parasympathetic system and invites a sense of serenity to my body and mind.

The ANS is the part of the nervous system that governs the fight, flight, or freeze instinct and is responsible for many unconscious bodily functions such as breathing, digesting food, and regulating the heart rate. It also plays an important role in supplying information from our organs to our brain. In addition, the ANS plays an enormous role in helping us experience safety. Once regulated, our ANS can help our body settle and make it easier to bring awareness to our breathing for meditative and healing purposes. There is magic in the breath that flows from a person with a regulated nervous system. When infused with love, it can offer the healing atmosphere needed to relate to the planet from a caring place.

Everyone has a nervous system. Embracing the oneness of our humanity can include awareness of our collective nervous system, and the need to regulate it. There are many breathing practices that can help regulate the ANS. Breathing from a regulated ANS can add harmony to the collective nervous system. It can also create the inner peace needed to breathe with the intention of loving the Earth.

When I breathe in the context of loving and connecting to my body and the Earth, I can create a relational field between my body and the planet. In this relational field, I can love the Earth. As Thich Nhat Hanh reminded us, we need to fall in love with the Earth. This love affair can happen through contextual breathing that involves mixing breath with love and offering it to the planet. During this practice the body can become a sacred vessel in the service of creation, a home to mystical experiences, and a container for love.

The Earth is a living being with a soul and in need of love. Our survival on the planet depends on how we treat the Earth and all its inhabitants. Those of us who hear the cry of the Earth cannot ignore the pain that has been inflicted on her by greed driven consumerism. As the ecosystem is being destroyed by greed and economic expansion, everyone has a responsibility to respond to the lament of the Earth. As the oceans get more polluted and the rainforests more devastated, we need to ask ourselves, “What are we doing for the Earth?”  

One way to help the planet is by loving it and relating to it as a living being with a soul. As I described earlier, this relationship can happen through our body, in particular the awareness of our breath. Not everyone finds meditative breathing helpful, and such practice should never be imposed on anyone. Those who can engage in slow and mindful breathing with the intention of caring for the world and inviting calmness to their nervous system can expand their meditative process beyond solely focusing on personal growth.

To turn the body into a container of love and a vessel in service to the Earth, one needs to claim the body first. Just like a garden that needs preparation and elimination of weeds before planting, the body needs preparation for deepening one’s relationship to life. This work needs to involve healing from one’s unresolved traumas. According to Peter Levine who developed the Somatic Experiencing® approach to healing trauma, “trauma is a fact of life,” and it can become embodied during a person's life. Since our ANS is shaped by our life experiences, having a history of unresolved trauma, or dealing with a current overwhelming situation can negatively influence our ANS’s ability to help us feel safe and cause it to dysregulate. Therefore, much of the healing from trauma needs to happen through the body. In particular, the nervous system needs to be regulated. For some, a traumatized body is less available for the type of breath work that has the potential to facilitate a kindhearted connection to the Earth. The sense of bliss that one can experience in relating to life from a place of gratitude is difficult to access in a body frozen by trauma.

After all these times that the Earth has been sustaining and holding us so generously, the least any one of us can do is to breathe with remembrance of the sacred nature of the Earth. Such breath carries a fragrance of love for the Earth and invites a sense of aliveness to the body. Also, such breath is needed to journey within and practice meditation with the soul of the planet in our hearts. Keeping the planet in our hearts during meditation can trigger healing energy that is needed to love the Earth back to health.

 

Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), somatic experiencing practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), and artist (https://somaticalivenessart.etsy.com).
 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

 

 

Sleep Better (Part 1)

 Click  to watch this video on improving sleep

Sleep Better (Part 1)

by 

Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.

Having trouble sleeping is common. You are not alone. Let’s stay hopeful and overcome this challenge.

Your body is designed to welcome sleep. It needs sleep to rejuvenate and get you ready to have a productive day when you wake up in the morning. You can start by reminding yourself the simple fact that sleep is a natural part of life, and you deserve a restful sleep. Normalizing this process can reduce the anxiety you might have about sleep.

When you are trying to sleep, by focusing on not being able to sleep or reasons behind having trouble sleeping, you probably are not going to fall sleep. When you focus on problems with sleeping, or any upsetting thoughts , you won’t feel relaxed. Such thinking can activate your nervous system and make it harder for you to go to sleep.

Instead of worrying about sleep, let’s create a supportive bedtime ritual. I am going to describe an example of such a ritual that you might find helpful.

As a start, when lying in bed, take a minute and remind yourself of few things you feel grateful about the day you just had. It could be something simple like you feel grateful for having a pleasant lunch with a colleague or having fun playing with your pet. Just a simple reminder of good things you experienced today along with feeling of gratitude is good enough. By practicing gratitude, you are starting your sleep journey on a positive note.

In general, embracing gratitude can help your body and mind shift into a calming state. A daily gratitude practice is a simple way to invite positive emotions into all aspects of your life including sleep.

After practicing gratitude, take a minute or two and give yourself a loving hug. Fold your arms around your body, positioning them in a way that feels comfortable, and squeeze yourself with just enough pressure to feel a pleasant sensation. All you need is just a moment of feeling good because you deserve compassion.

You can try this self-hugging practice anytime you wish because loving yourself is a foundation for loving everything else.

After the gratitude and self-hugging practices, remind yourself you are making a conscious decision to sleep. Affirm the fact that sleep is good for you. Perhaps a part of you might not want to sleep. By telling yourself that you are making a choice to sleep, and you believe a good night sleep is essential for your health, you might be able remove all doubts about not sleeping.

Again, your body is designed to welcome sleep when you need it. Sleep is one of the gifts your body offers you toward good health. So, normalize the sleep process as much as you can.

When you are in bed, instead of focusing on negative self-talk or anything else that might be on your mind, try to connect to your body in a positive way. For example, focus on the support of the mattress that your body is receiving. Our bodies love to feel supported.

By taking a deep breath and bringing your awareness to comfort and the sense of support your body is receiving from the mattress that you are lying on, you can help your nervous system shift to a calmer state. Often the anxiety about not being able to sleep can activate your nervous system and keep you awake.

Your body and mind can work in complete harmony and support your sleep. Focusing on safety, and comfort that you experience in your body, can relax your mind. Give yourself permission to smile when you feel relaxed. The act of a gentle smile can also help you to feel safe and relax before falling sleep.

After practicing this bedtime ritual, just relax and surrender to the wisdom of your body. Again, your body knows how to go to sleep and your mind supports that process. No need to overthink it. Just let yourself drift into a peaceful sleep.

What I just described is one approach to a better sleep. I hope you find it helpful. There are so much more to be said about this topic which I plan to present in upcoming talks.

On a side note, always talk to your physician for any health-related concerns including trouble sleeping. In some cases, there may be underlying medical issues that might contribute to having challenges with sleep, and it is very important to treat those issues.  

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), somatic experiencing practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), and artist (https://somaticalivenessart.etsy.com).

 

 

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

Sleep Better  (Part 2)

By

Payam Ghassemlou Ph.D.

Click here to watch / listen to Sleep Better (Part Two)

Hello and welcome,

I hope you find my second talk on creating a ritual to sleep better helpful.

In the first segment, I mentioned your body is designed to welcome sleep. Please don’t over think it.

You can remind yourself the simple fact that sleep is a natural part of life, and you deserve to rest.

Normalizing this process can reduce the anxiety you might have about sleep.

I also encouraged you to create a supportive bedtime ritual.

Your bedtime ritual can include taking a minute and reminding yourself of a few things you feel grateful about the day you just had.

By practicing gratitude, you are starting your sleep journey on a positive note.

In general, embracing gratitude can help your body and mind shift into a calming state.

Your bedtime ritual can also include giving yourself a hug and really love and appreciate yourself.

This practice of loving yourself can help reinforce your attempt to help your body and mind shift into a relaxed state.

Finally, in the previous talk, I mentioned when you are in bed, instead of focusing on negative self-talk or anything else that might be on your mind, try to connect to your body in a positive way.

For example, by taking a deep breath and bringing your awareness to comfort and the sense of support your body is receiving from the mattress you can help your nervous system to relax.

This awareness of a sense of comfort might help you fall asleep faster.

I am now going to briefly talk about few more ideas that you can consider for your bedtime ritual.

Before I do that, I like to encourage you to talk to your doctor and make sure there aren’t any underlying medical issues that might contribute to having challenges with sleep.

I also encourage you to implement basic sleep hygiene.

For example, avoid large meals, caffeine, and alcohol before bedtime, make sure your bedroom is quiet and dark with the right temperature for your comfort level, and avoid using electronic devices close to your bedtime.

Now, let me discuss a few more ideas that might help you sleep better.

When it is time for your bedtime, let yourself become aware of feeling sleepy.

Allow yourself to welcome that feeling.

You probably had a busy day and naturally your body needs rest.

By noticing a feeling of being tired or sleepy, you are listening to your body’s need for sleep.

You might want to scan your body and identify specific areas of tiredness. For example, you might notice heaviness of muscles around the eyes.

Your eyes have been active most of your waking hours and now they are tired.

Most probably, your whole body has been busy working during your waking hours.

Naturally, your body can feel tired at the end of the day.

Focus on how good it feels to be in bed and resting.

By letting yourself sleep you are nurturing your body and mind.

You don’t need to fight your way to go to sleep.

You gently let your thinking brain step aside and let the wisdom of your body lead you to a pleasant dream state. The key is to relax and trust your body.

In case you wake up in the middle of the night, do not scare yourself by thinking you won’t go back to sleep.

Don’t overthink it.

Focus on how good it feels to be supported by the mattress or the pillow and letting your tired body rest.

Sleep is like a gentle river. It can drift you to a dream state.

It is a journey that can end with waking up and feeling refreshed.

Finally, if you wake up few hours early and still need more sleep, try to remain in your bed and rest.

Give yourself permission to relax and you might fall sleep again.

No need to get frustrated about waking up earlier than you wanted to.

Instead, let yourself focus on the quietness of the early morning.

Allow yourself to trust and have confidence in the wisdom of your body to help you go back to sleep.

In general, you cannot think yourself into sleep, but you can relax your body into falling asleep.

The key to a better sleep is to help your body and mind feel safe, relaxed, and deserving of sleep.

Make sure you consciously give yourself permission to have a good night’s sleep. It is important to affirm that. Your body listens to all your thoughts, so make sure you affirm the permission for a peaceful sleep.

I hope you find some or all these suggestions about creating a comforting sleep ritual helpful.

Please be patient and give yourself time to make progress in this area.

 Be Well!

 

 

© Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), somatic experiencing practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), and artist (https://somaticalivenessart.etsy.com).
 
 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Queer Perspective on Somatically Befriending Vulnerability

Since being vulnerable does not always come easily to many of us, it is important to have empathy for anyone who struggles with it. The internet is flooded with writings and talks on encouraging people to show vulnerability. Having trouble expressing it often gets associated with a lack of authenticity. Such judgmental interpretations can frequently trigger shame in people who don’t feel safe enough to be vulnerable due to certain socio-demographic factors. There is a misconception that expressing vulnerability is a matter of courage or just making a mental decision. By helping others reclaim it, I have realized the issue has little to do with bravery or honesty. It has more to do with the state of one’s nervous system. By having a somatic perspective on understanding vulnerability, we can open a new path toward befriending it.

There are many different paths toward befriending vulnerability which includes using the body to build a greater capacity to embrace it. Our response to many emotional experiences can be felt in our bodies. For example, Lucas, a 30-year-old cis gender gay man, disclosed having difficulty asking guys on dates. Doing so makes him feel very vulnerable. Among other bodily reactions, he reported tightness in his chest along with uncomfortable restricted breathing when faced with uncertainty to his invitation. Lucas has a history of growing up with the stress of homophobic mistreatment. He often felt unsafe at school due to the devastating experience of being bullied or called derogatory names. Fight or flight was not an option when he was feeling helpless and hopeless dealing with his traumatic school environment. Instead, his body resorted to numbing and shutting down. This response became his default whenever faced with overwhelming situations like entering a vulnerable state. Lucas’ reactions to becoming vulnerable had nothing to do with a choice or a lack of courage. It had more to do with his body’s threat alarm being frequently on.

In general, LGBTQ children are often at risk for being bullied, and they need protection. Lucas and many other queer youngsters growing up place their trust in individuals and institutions who were supposed to protect them from harm. Failure to receive such a protection at a critical developmental phase became a source of hurt and betrayal. The trauma of growing up gay in a world that did not embrace LGBTQ identity with kindness and acceptance led Lucas and many others to associate vulnerability with fear and betrayal. Given his traumatic history, Lucas needed help learning how to feel safe in his body when becoming vulnerable. Regulation of his psychophysiological arousal in response to vulnerability has been an important healing task for Lucas, especially when it came to making connections with other single gay men.

Taking a somatic approach toward working with vulnerability involves understanding the role of the autonomic nervous system (“ANS”). The ANS is the part of the nervous system that governs the fight, flight, or freeze instinct and is responsible for the unconscious bodily functions like breathing, digesting food, and regulating the heart rate. It also plays a vital role of supplying information from our organs to our brain. This system works automatically (autonomously), without a person’s conscious effort. The ANS is central to our experience of safety, connection with others, and our ability to bounce back from life’s overwhelming experiences. Relying on neuroception, a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, our ANS can differentiate between safety, danger, and a life threat. Neuroception, as Deb Dana (author of The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy) explains, is automatic, and it does not go through the thinking part of our brain. Everything from sound to smell to temperature in our environment, people’s tone of voice, and eye contact can influence our neuroception. It is like “internal surveillance” that looks for cues of safety and danger inside the body, in one’s environment, and in relationship with people. It helps us take immediate action in the face of danger or threat. The goal of neuroception is to keep us safe and alive. Based on my training in Somatic Experiencing®, Touch Skills Training for Trauma Therapists, Polyvagal Theory, and other body inclusive approaches, I have learned the autonomic nervous system is a relational system that has been shaped by experience. We now know previous negative life experiences and traumas can significantly affect how our neuroception accurately assesses safety, danger, or a life threat. This can explain why many people including Lucas with history of being judged, humiliated, and violated often avoid entering a vulnerable state. Their faulty neuroception causes them to feel unsafe in the absence of real danger.

Since “how we move through the world is guided by our ANS,” it is important to examine how growing up in a homophobic and transphobic environment negatively affected the working of the ANS. In my counseling work with gay, lesbian, bisexual, queer identified, and transgender people who have experienced homophobic or transphobic mistreatment, I have noticed their nervous systems are often shaped toward self-protection versus making connections. Repeated past humiliation and rejection by others have made it difficult for many of them to be open and willing to love and be loved. Given the important role that ANS can play in people’s ability to embrace vulnerable situations and form relationships, it is important to learn how to regulate it. When working in a regulated way, the ANS does not enact the response to the present moment situation based on one’s past conditioning.

Autonomic regulation has less to do with talking about our past trauma events and more to do with shifting our autonomic state that can be stuck on FFF (fight/flight/freeze) toward safety and relaxation. When Lucas was invited to share about his history, it was done for the purpose of having greater empathy for his suffering and learning how fear became associated with vulnerability. Lucas’ personal stories with homophobic mistreatment was handled with care and in a titrated manner to avoid re-traumatization. In general, encouraging people to get into their trauma stories all at once can become overwhelming for them because the nervous system cannot tell the difference between the original event and the telling of the event. Healing does not always need to involve re-telling the story. As Peter Levine, the founder of Somatic Experiencing International, stated, “Trauma is not in the event, but in the nervous system.” Based on my personal and clinical work, I also concur that trauma becomes embodied during a person's life and can affect the working of the ANS. Much of the healing from this trauma needs to happen through the body. In particular, the nervous system needs to be regulated.

The work of Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory has brough to light the role of the vagus nerve in how we experience safety and connection. The vagus nerve which is divided into two pathways, the dorsal vagus and the ventral vagus, is the main component of the parasympathetic nervous system. The ventral vagal of parasympathetic system plays a crucial role in our experience of safety in our bodies. Activation of the ventral vagal force in the ANS includes but not limited to awareness and tracking of pleasant bodily sensations. For example, when I invited Lucas to notice his body being supported by the couch, he commented, “I can sense my body feels relaxed and comfortable.” By bringing awareness to comfortable sensations in his body, he began to breathe deeper and noticed a sense of expansion in his chest area along with his shoulders becoming more relaxed. For Lucas, tracking bodily sensations that were comfortable invited the flow of the ventral vagal of safety and connection.

Another useful somatic intervention involved identifying and embodying helpful resources that contributed to his healing journey. For example, attending LGBTQ Pride events and volunteering at the Los Angeles LGBT+ Community Center felt empowering for Lucas. By tracking his pleasant bodily sensations as he was sharing about these helpful resources, he was creating a physiological event in his body which contributed to regulating his nervous system. As the therapy session progressed, he found it easier to imagine and plan on asking a guy he met at his gym on a date without experiencing tension in his body. Repeated awareness of pleasant sensations in his body increased his ability to distinguish sensations of distress versus sensations of well-being. The more he focused on what felt good on the inside the more his autonomic dysregulation settled, and his window of tolerance expanded.

What makes each one of us feel vulnerable is unique and personal. What feels vulnerable to Lucas can feel quite different to another. Regardless of what activates it, the admission ticket to a more meaningful life for Lucas involved embracing vulnerability. It was important for him to liberate vulnerability from years of cumulative stress of dealing with homophobic bullying, and other fearful situations that he had to endure. By welcoming vulnerability and learning how to work with its transformative power, he was able to enrich his life. A “body-inclusive” therapeutic approach offered Lucas tools and practices to lower his activation and regulate his nervous system in response to his life stresses.

Payam Ghassemlou, MFT, Ph.D., SEP, is a psychotherapist (www.DrPayam.com), somatic experiencing practitioner (www.SomaticAliveness.com), and artist (https://somaticalivenessart.etsy.com).
 
Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist online anywhere in CA & Florida.

*Names and other details have been changed for privacy and confidentiality.